(He is still pretty cute though, isn't he?)
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Fabulous Day
I just have to re-post this blog...I posted it on Crockbaby too. I think all my readers visit both blogs, but just in case, I didn't want anyone to miss this. What an awesome day...
Dorian slept wonderfully last night! Down at 7pm - even put himself to sleep. I lay next to him but he didn't need cuddles or anything. He just slowly closed his eyes and fell asleep. He slept until around 12 or so, then came out of his room and climbed into bed with me. Okay, I had to pull him up into bed but he's so close to being able to climbing in...then I won't need to wake up at all during the night. He fell right back asleep as soon as he got into bed with us. Then he slept straight through until just before 6am. A little early, but we'll take it!
I let James sleep in this morning and fed Dori breakfast and played with him for about an hour. As soon as there was a break in the heavy rain we've been having, I took Dorian on a very long walk and to two sessions of Gymboree. By the time we returned home, it was lunchtime. The three of us ate together which was nice - we haven't been able to do much of this lately. Dori's lunch was followed by an unusual midday bath - he insists on feeding himself right now, which we think is a very good thing, but it does mean mealtimes are very, VERY messy. He got chocolate ice cream EVERYWHERE. Yes, even there. I don't know how he managed to do it. After his bath, James got him down for his nap and he slept for THREE hours, uninterrupted!!!! Maybe we should do a bath before nap time every day? Nah, it was more likely the previous night's sleep (remember, sleep begets sleep!)
Then we took him to our friend Renee's house so she could watch him while James and I interviewed at a preschool from 4:30-6:30 (more on that another time). Apparently, Dori was great. The other toddler, Rowan, wasn't too happy with Dori trying to play with all his toys but Dor was a champ and took the bullying like a pro. Then we came home, fed him dinner, and James put him to bed so I could try to get a bit of schoolwork done today. It took longer this evening. James said Dori kept being close to falling asleep so he would get up to leave the bedroom and would find Dorian just behind him, practically sleepwalking (or "sleep following") him. He did this a few times before finally Dori stayed asleep in his bed around 8pm. Fingers crossed! We seem to be having more good nights than bad now (last night was definitely the best yet).
I had the best day with Dorian because I was rested and he was rested. I love days like these. Love them! I feel renewed. I love being a mom! Boy, motherhood brings out the bipolar streak, doesn't it?
Just look at our happy, rested, little chocolate-loving guy (what's not to love?):
Dorian slept wonderfully last night! Down at 7pm - even put himself to sleep. I lay next to him but he didn't need cuddles or anything. He just slowly closed his eyes and fell asleep. He slept until around 12 or so, then came out of his room and climbed into bed with me. Okay, I had to pull him up into bed but he's so close to being able to climbing in...then I won't need to wake up at all during the night. He fell right back asleep as soon as he got into bed with us. Then he slept straight through until just before 6am. A little early, but we'll take it!
I let James sleep in this morning and fed Dori breakfast and played with him for about an hour. As soon as there was a break in the heavy rain we've been having, I took Dorian on a very long walk and to two sessions of Gymboree. By the time we returned home, it was lunchtime. The three of us ate together which was nice - we haven't been able to do much of this lately. Dori's lunch was followed by an unusual midday bath - he insists on feeding himself right now, which we think is a very good thing, but it does mean mealtimes are very, VERY messy. He got chocolate ice cream EVERYWHERE. Yes, even there. I don't know how he managed to do it. After his bath, James got him down for his nap and he slept for THREE hours, uninterrupted!!!! Maybe we should do a bath before nap time every day? Nah, it was more likely the previous night's sleep (remember, sleep begets sleep!)
Then we took him to our friend Renee's house so she could watch him while James and I interviewed at a preschool from 4:30-6:30 (more on that another time). Apparently, Dori was great. The other toddler, Rowan, wasn't too happy with Dori trying to play with all his toys but Dor was a champ and took the bullying like a pro. Then we came home, fed him dinner, and James put him to bed so I could try to get a bit of schoolwork done today. It took longer this evening. James said Dori kept being close to falling asleep so he would get up to leave the bedroom and would find Dorian just behind him, practically sleepwalking (or "sleep following") him. He did this a few times before finally Dori stayed asleep in his bed around 8pm. Fingers crossed! We seem to be having more good nights than bad now (last night was definitely the best yet).
I had the best day with Dorian because I was rested and he was rested. I love days like these. Love them! I feel renewed. I love being a mom! Boy, motherhood brings out the bipolar streak, doesn't it?
Just look at our happy, rested, little chocolate-loving guy (what's not to love?):
Friday, February 13, 2009
One more $%#c^!@ temper tantrum...
And I swear to god I'm putting this kid up for adoption.
How do you DEAL with the toddler years??????????????????
I so prefer the baby year.
Dorian is still refusing to sleep. It sucked getting him down for a nap today. Then he woke up cranky and wouldn't go back to sleep for longer. Last night sucked too. He refused to fall asleep until 9pm (after A LOT of struggle). Then he woke loads in the night and even screamed, just for fun, around 1am. I think James did better without me (when I was at work for those couple days). Do I give off bad vibes or something? James said Dori probably still remembers that I used to nurse him whenever he wanted and he gets reminded of it when I try to cuddle him to sleep. Whatever it is, it sucks!!! I really don't like this.
How do you DEAL with the toddler years??????????????????
I so prefer the baby year.
Dorian is still refusing to sleep. It sucked getting him down for a nap today. Then he woke up cranky and wouldn't go back to sleep for longer. Last night sucked too. He refused to fall asleep until 9pm (after A LOT of struggle). Then he woke loads in the night and even screamed, just for fun, around 1am. I think James did better without me (when I was at work for those couple days). Do I give off bad vibes or something? James said Dori probably still remembers that I used to nurse him whenever he wanted and he gets reminded of it when I try to cuddle him to sleep. Whatever it is, it sucks!!! I really don't like this.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
First Night Away from Dorian
It's been a good week. I spent my first night ever apart from Dorian last night. Apparently, he did great! I was a wreck. I slept worse away from him! The whole point was for me to get a good night's sleep, but I still woke every couple hours and couldn't get back to sleep because I was worrying that he was screaming with me gone. I guess I think too highly of myself. James said he was totally happy to cuddle with him instead of me in order to fall back asleep each time he awoke. It's a huge relief. Now I know I can spend some nights apart from him, and there will be some in March and April once tax season really gets hopping and the commute to and from Half Moon Bay gets old. I stayed over with my friend Dorana last night and it was really great to just be a girl again. We drank some wine, ate cookies, watched American Idol and celeb gossip shows, flipped through fashion magazines and talked about all our colleagues. It was so fun!
I have an incredible amount of schoolwork to do this week-end (I am still playing catch-up from when we were ill) and I want to spend some time with my son too. It's going to be a busy few days, and then it's back to work on Monday. I love work. Silly, I know, because what do I do? Um. Let's see. Quite a lot. But most of the tasks are quite boring if you break them down. Filing. Answering phones. Data entry type work. Proofreading. But my colleagues are awesome. The phone calls are all really pleasant - no nasty clients to deal with or anything like that. My boss is generally in a really good mood. He brings in treats for the office and tax season lunches (and massages!) will start up soon. It really is a great place to work. I don't even usually mind the commute, unless there's bad traffic. I get a couple hours a day to listen to music and collect my thoughts without thinking I have to do schoolwork, clean-up, etc (impossible to do while driving!) Half of the drive has some pretty stunning scenery to look at. It could be worse. I know I'll probably change my tune when I have to do the drive every day but for the moment, I'm actually enjoying it.
I still don't feel very rested, but I'm back on the coffee and that helps me get through the day and be a lot less cranky about my lack of sleep. I had 2 cups of coffee, a large latte, 2 cups of black tea and a Coke today. No wonder it's 11pm and I can't fall asleep now. Caffeine is not so good when you need to go to sleep. Hmmmm. I didn't really think this through. It could be a vicious cycle. I can see it now. Perhaps I would be better off staying off the caffeine.
I have an incredible amount of schoolwork to do this week-end (I am still playing catch-up from when we were ill) and I want to spend some time with my son too. It's going to be a busy few days, and then it's back to work on Monday. I love work. Silly, I know, because what do I do? Um. Let's see. Quite a lot. But most of the tasks are quite boring if you break them down. Filing. Answering phones. Data entry type work. Proofreading. But my colleagues are awesome. The phone calls are all really pleasant - no nasty clients to deal with or anything like that. My boss is generally in a really good mood. He brings in treats for the office and tax season lunches (and massages!) will start up soon. It really is a great place to work. I don't even usually mind the commute, unless there's bad traffic. I get a couple hours a day to listen to music and collect my thoughts without thinking I have to do schoolwork, clean-up, etc (impossible to do while driving!) Half of the drive has some pretty stunning scenery to look at. It could be worse. I know I'll probably change my tune when I have to do the drive every day but for the moment, I'm actually enjoying it.
I still don't feel very rested, but I'm back on the coffee and that helps me get through the day and be a lot less cranky about my lack of sleep. I had 2 cups of coffee, a large latte, 2 cups of black tea and a Coke today. No wonder it's 11pm and I can't fall asleep now. Caffeine is not so good when you need to go to sleep. Hmmmm. I didn't really think this through. It could be a vicious cycle. I can see it now. Perhaps I would be better off staying off the caffeine.
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Not cut out to be a mother?
Let me preface this by saying I love my son to death. You know I do. There is no question about that. I would die for him. And I would never, ever, ever in a million years do anything to hurt him. I will do everything in my power to make sure he leads the very best life possible. He will have the best education we can afford, the best healthcare, the best everything. I love him and cuddle him and am pretty sure as mother and baby, we are "attached" correctly. I would not go back in time and not have him. I would not change anything about him. I love him more than life itself. So don't go calling social services on me or anything for what I am about to say, okay? I am just venting.
Lately, I have really been wondering if I am cut out to be a mother. I have had a much harder time with motherhood than many. I always thought I wanted several children. I always thought I would foster children someday when we had the space and money. I thought I wanted to go into pediatric nursing. I have always loved children. I adored being pregnant. I could be pregnant for the rest of my life. I truly loved it (first trimester nausea and third trimester bladder-pressing and insomnia aside) - I was so happy and healthy and excited and positively glowing. It was the best 9 months of my life. But I honestly don't know if I could do it again (for me; I could see myself being a surrogate mom). I don't know if I can do this parenting thing more than once.
Everyone keeps telling me that my next child will probably be easy. He'll probably sleep, wean easily and not have any of the "issues" Dorian has had. Maybe. But maybe not. Could I really take that chance? I have been exhausted this past year. I have never felt fatigue like this. I feel positively sick from it some days. I have lost more weight than I ever have before, apart from when I decided I was too fat at 15. I have gotten more illnesses than I have since freshman year in college when I got Mono, strep, bronchitis and a sinus infection over the course of 8 months. I had that stomach bug and now I am still sick with this damn cold. I can't seem to shake it. I have been sick for more than 6 weeks now (I count jet lag/severe sleep deprivation as an ailment - bear with me, I haven't passed the nursing exam yet so I may technically be wrong on this!) I am tired. Every bone in my body aches. My back, which has caused me minor pain for nearly a decade, is chronically sore and aching now. I never have a moment's relief from backache now. I hadn't had a migraine in years, but I had one last week-end. I am tired.
I don't have the patience to deal with the temper tantrums of a toddler. Today, I took Dorian for most of the day so James could try to catch up on some of his projects. I have spend the better portion of 3.5 hours trying to get Dorian down for a nap. I am exhausted. He is exhausted. I have tried everything. While he is doing much better sleep-wise since being weaned, we still have a long way to go, particularly with getting him to fall asleep and stay asleep on his own. I am so tired of it all. I don't enjoy my time with him when I'm trying to get him to sleep. When I think of all the hours (that probably amount to months in terms of time, seriously!) I have spent just trying to get him to FALL asleep, I get so frustrated. I should be using that time to study, clean, rejuvenate, do anything other than "waste" it trying to get him to sleep. It's not bonding time for Dori and I anymore now that we're not nursing. There's nothing fun about it for either of us. He screams and I get irritated after about 30 minutes of it. We have tried just leaving him to cry it out but he ends up throwing MAJOR tantrums and hurting himself in the process. I hate it. I have been LOVING the days where I get to go to work and not have to watch him. I get back home and see him for about 30 minutes before he goes to bed and that's been great. It's so strange because when I'm at work I miss him so much and I look forward to the days I have off with him but then when they arrive, I don't fully enjoy them and end the day frustrated and disappointed and so excited to return to work the next day. I wish I could work 7 days a week. I feel like such a bad mom for sharing all this but I really need to get it out. I've not been fully happy for awhile now (you guys know this; you know how tired I've been) but I would say I've been even more frustrated since 2009 started. I know, I KNOW, I have a good life. I know I have a promising future. I know I've got a wonderful family and support system and house and brain and looks and blah blah blah. I know all this. I know people would kill to live my life. And I do feel blessed for my life. But I just feel so unhappy being a mom sometimes. And no, it's not depression or postpartum depression or anything like that. I've been depressed before and this is certainly not it.* I have no trouble getting out of bed (except for the fact that I am tired!), I love having good hygiene and self-care, I am happy to see friends, walk, go to Gymboree, out to lunch, work, study, and do all my normal daily routines. I am happy to spend time with Dorian when he is rested and in a good mood and when it's not naptime or bedtime. Truly. He is at such a fun age in terms of development and when he cuddles me, it just melts my heart. He makes me laugh like no one else can. He is adorable. I just hate the sleep issues. I feel like they put a damper on EVERYTHING. I don't feel like myself anymore. I am so tired.
I feel so unhappy with the way motherhood has turned out to be. I had no idea it would be this hard, this tiring, this unfulfilling actually. I can't wait to start nursing school and have a real focus, a real goal, a real life. Right now I just feel like I am this close to taking out a loan and hiring a nanny for the days I am supposed to watch Dorian. It is so hard.
*Some of my unhappiness the past couple weeks is probably due to hormonal changes in my body since weaning Dorian. However, I've been unhappy with the sleep issues and sleep-deprivation for a good 16 months. 17 actually, if we include the last month of pregnancy.
Lately, I have really been wondering if I am cut out to be a mother. I have had a much harder time with motherhood than many. I always thought I wanted several children. I always thought I would foster children someday when we had the space and money. I thought I wanted to go into pediatric nursing. I have always loved children. I adored being pregnant. I could be pregnant for the rest of my life. I truly loved it (first trimester nausea and third trimester bladder-pressing and insomnia aside) - I was so happy and healthy and excited and positively glowing. It was the best 9 months of my life. But I honestly don't know if I could do it again (for me; I could see myself being a surrogate mom). I don't know if I can do this parenting thing more than once.
Everyone keeps telling me that my next child will probably be easy. He'll probably sleep, wean easily and not have any of the "issues" Dorian has had. Maybe. But maybe not. Could I really take that chance? I have been exhausted this past year. I have never felt fatigue like this. I feel positively sick from it some days. I have lost more weight than I ever have before, apart from when I decided I was too fat at 15. I have gotten more illnesses than I have since freshman year in college when I got Mono, strep, bronchitis and a sinus infection over the course of 8 months. I had that stomach bug and now I am still sick with this damn cold. I can't seem to shake it. I have been sick for more than 6 weeks now (I count jet lag/severe sleep deprivation as an ailment - bear with me, I haven't passed the nursing exam yet so I may technically be wrong on this!) I am tired. Every bone in my body aches. My back, which has caused me minor pain for nearly a decade, is chronically sore and aching now. I never have a moment's relief from backache now. I hadn't had a migraine in years, but I had one last week-end. I am tired.
I don't have the patience to deal with the temper tantrums of a toddler. Today, I took Dorian for most of the day so James could try to catch up on some of his projects. I have spend the better portion of 3.5 hours trying to get Dorian down for a nap. I am exhausted. He is exhausted. I have tried everything. While he is doing much better sleep-wise since being weaned, we still have a long way to go, particularly with getting him to fall asleep and stay asleep on his own. I am so tired of it all. I don't enjoy my time with him when I'm trying to get him to sleep. When I think of all the hours (that probably amount to months in terms of time, seriously!) I have spent just trying to get him to FALL asleep, I get so frustrated. I should be using that time to study, clean, rejuvenate, do anything other than "waste" it trying to get him to sleep. It's not bonding time for Dori and I anymore now that we're not nursing. There's nothing fun about it for either of us. He screams and I get irritated after about 30 minutes of it. We have tried just leaving him to cry it out but he ends up throwing MAJOR tantrums and hurting himself in the process. I hate it. I have been LOVING the days where I get to go to work and not have to watch him. I get back home and see him for about 30 minutes before he goes to bed and that's been great. It's so strange because when I'm at work I miss him so much and I look forward to the days I have off with him but then when they arrive, I don't fully enjoy them and end the day frustrated and disappointed and so excited to return to work the next day. I wish I could work 7 days a week. I feel like such a bad mom for sharing all this but I really need to get it out. I've not been fully happy for awhile now (you guys know this; you know how tired I've been) but I would say I've been even more frustrated since 2009 started. I know, I KNOW, I have a good life. I know I have a promising future. I know I've got a wonderful family and support system and house and brain and looks and blah blah blah. I know all this. I know people would kill to live my life. And I do feel blessed for my life. But I just feel so unhappy being a mom sometimes. And no, it's not depression or postpartum depression or anything like that. I've been depressed before and this is certainly not it.* I have no trouble getting out of bed (except for the fact that I am tired!), I love having good hygiene and self-care, I am happy to see friends, walk, go to Gymboree, out to lunch, work, study, and do all my normal daily routines. I am happy to spend time with Dorian when he is rested and in a good mood and when it's not naptime or bedtime. Truly. He is at such a fun age in terms of development and when he cuddles me, it just melts my heart. He makes me laugh like no one else can. He is adorable. I just hate the sleep issues. I feel like they put a damper on EVERYTHING. I don't feel like myself anymore. I am so tired.
I feel so unhappy with the way motherhood has turned out to be. I had no idea it would be this hard, this tiring, this unfulfilling actually. I can't wait to start nursing school and have a real focus, a real goal, a real life. Right now I just feel like I am this close to taking out a loan and hiring a nanny for the days I am supposed to watch Dorian. It is so hard.
*Some of my unhappiness the past couple weeks is probably due to hormonal changes in my body since weaning Dorian. However, I've been unhappy with the sleep issues and sleep-deprivation for a good 16 months. 17 actually, if we include the last month of pregnancy.
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