Still loving it!

A's on Exams #2 and #3 as well! Will keep you updated with mini-blogs and plan to post a long blog with pics when I finish Term 1 on June 25th. Then I get 10 days off before Term 2 and CLINICALS!

Nursing School, Take 2

I love it!!!! I am having so much fun! I love the classes. I love my classmates. I LOVE my teachers. I love the facilities and campus. Everything is so well organized and the school is so supportive - free tutoring, counseling, yoga, and more. I love it all! What a difference. This program is completely different to the one I was in last year. It's like night and day. I love it! Did I mention I love it????

Remember, this is my blog so I have bragging rights. I got 100% on our first exam (25% of my grade)! I have an A in both classes so far. I love lab - I can now take vital signs, health histories and assess the skin. We're going to learn how to assess HEENT tomorrow (brownie points for anyone who knows what this is and puts it in the comments!) I have 2 more exams next week. They weren't kidding about it being an accelerated program. Heck, I'll be done with this term in 3.5 weeks! Then I start clinicals. Will have class 10 hours, 2 days a week and clinicals 8 hours, 3 days a week. Plus homework of course. Craziness! But you know what? So far, it is remarkably doable. So far, I am managing to balance my time and see my family and even have some time left over to care for myself. So far, I am in heaven. Stay tuned!

Everything in life is meant to be. I was so meant to be at this school. Sorry for the gushing quality of this post but oh my god, I am so happy!

Sleeping Better

Finally! See the post entitled "Warning: Rambling Post Ahead" on http://crockbaby.blogspot.com

Sleepless in Oakland

I spent over 6 hours getting Dorian to sleep yesterday (3 for nap, 3.25 for bed). He finally fell asleep at 9:20pm and woke at 4:05am (and woke several times in between). I am exhausted and miserable. Him? Happy. Very happy. Don't get me wrong, I'm stoked he's happy...the alternative is horrendous! Sometimes when he's tired he's just a crankster, throwing temper tantrums left, right and center. So, yes, I am glad he is happy this morning. But how? HOW? How can he be so happy on so little sleep? I am watching him dance and sing along to Sesame Street right now...he keeps taking a break from dancing to run over and hug me. He has said three new words this morning - "Dirty," "Tiger" and "Pineapple." How can he function - no, thrive - on so little sleep? It baffles me. Maybe my child really is a child prodigy...I read in a parenting book last year that some kids who never sleep end up being geniuses - basically, their brains run in overdrive and they can't sleep because they're thinking so much - I have clung to this idea ever since - how else can a mama stay sane on so little sleep? There's gotta be a reason he doesn't sleep, right? (Don't you dare tell me the brain overdrive/no sleep/child prodigy concept was just made up to help overtired parents cope!)

The Child Who Never Sleeps

ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thanks for listening. I needed that! More complaints soon, don't you worry.

Spring Update

I love my boy so much. Working full-time for 2 months has done a world of good for me. It has reminded me just how much I love my child. It has rejuvenated me in an odd kind of way. I am so ready to be done with work for a while and be a stay-at-home mom again. Remember how over the full-time parenting thing I was a couple months ago? I still don't think I will ever want to do it again permanently but I am definitely ready to do it for a few weeks. James is off to the East Coast tomorrow and I will resume full-time parenting duties this week-end (my in-laws are on duty tomorrow-Friday). Then James gets back, we'll have 2 weeks together as a family, then I start nursing school! It's all coming up so fast...

But for now, I'm trying to live in the present with my adorable boy.

My baby

Now that I'm working full-time and commuting up to 3.5 hours a day (yes, you read that right!), I literally cherish every second I have with Dorian. I am so excited to be able to spend this whole week-end with him! Then I won't see him for 3 weeks. I will be working 6 days a week for the next 3 weeks, possibly even 7 the last week. (My last day of work is April 17th.) My in-laws will be in town from April 2-20, which is great because they'll be able to help James take care of Dori since I'll be gone so much. But I'm a little worried because they're all going away for 4 days and I've never been apart from Dorian for more than 36 hours. I am scared he'll forget me! I love him so much. I love how happy he is to see me every day when I get home. I love how he hugs me and cuddles me and kisses me. I love it all!

These pictures were taken when I got home from work one day this week....

The Parkway Theater

The theater has closed. I am so very sad about this. I loved that place! I have been going to it since I turned 21. It was our date place. We went to see movies there with Dorian (Baby Brigade). Picture, pizza and pub (and comfy couches). For $5. It was incredible. Beautiful decor inside - very art deco. Wonderfully maintained. Lots of Oakland events held at the theater. Oscar bashes. Election night parties. Indie flicks. The occasional band night. Charity events. Truly the real gem of our neighborhood. I am so worried about what it's going to mean for the neighborhood...everything was starting to pick up and get "prettified" (or gentrified as my friend PRS puts it, but I don't care - whatever it takes). I grew up in the neighborhood and it was somewhat unsafe when I was child. And parts of it were downright ugly - liquor stores, graffiti, trash. In the past 10 years, the neighborhood has really changed. I am convinced part of this was down to the Parkway, which re-opened 12 years ago. And now it is another product of this f@#$ing economy. When will the madness end?

RIP my beloved Parkway (both pictures taken on closing night, 3/21/09)

Sleep Issues: Chapter 5,146

I don't know what's going on. Dori has been refusing to fall asleep until 9pm or later, then still waking by 5am. We have tried everything. My mom put him to bed Saturday night and had some success in keeping him in bed. She just kept telling him "Go back to bed, Dorian." When James and I do that, he giggles, thinks it's play-time. But if we shut the door to his room, he'll never end up back in bed. He just ends up playing with his toys. Or crying. It took my mom 8 times of doing that Saturday night and he eventually fell asleep. And then slept in his bed for 9 hours before joining us in ours. We thought, "GREAT!!!!" Mom said she'd help us out this week to try to resolve the issues. So last night, she came down and did the same thing. Took about 15 times, then we thought he was asleep. She went back upstairs. Literally 2 minutes after she left, he came running out. He KNOWS. He has us all figured out. Naps are completely off too. Dori went to my friend Kate's nursery last week while James in Las Vegas and she got him to take 3 naps, 3 days in a row for 2-3hours each day! She said it wasn't even challenging to get him down. Amazing. James got a good nap out of him the day after too (and he fell asleep on his own without crying). We thought we'd beaten it. But then Friday, Saturday and Sunday were complete losses in regards to naps. He's not teething. He has a little cold but nothing major. He's pretty darn happy when he's awake. Not too many temper tantrums lately. Why, oh why, can't we resolve this??????????????????????

TGIF

What a busy week it has been. My classes are almost done. I am now working full-time. The commute still royally sucks. I am so looking forward to this week-end. James is going away for 5 days tomorrow morning (with the band). I will have Dorian to myself all week-end, as my parents are going away too. Pray for no temper tantrums. We've got a lot of social events planned so it should be a fun week-end for us both. Stay tuned!

Soooooo cute!

I hadn't seen Dori is 36 hours - I stayed overnight in Half Moon Bay last night. When I returned home, Dori and James were in the bath together. Dori was soooo happy to see me! When I pulled him out, he cuddled me so close. We went into his room together and he just giggled and giggled and kept jumping on me. Then he would hug me and clasp his arms around my neck. It was amazing. I love my boy.

Kisses

Dori started blowing kisses a couple days ago and will do it if you say "Kiss, kiss" to him. Adorable. And his cuddles are the best. And his chattering away like he thinks you know what he's talking about. Oh, he is cute despite the tantrums!

Toddler Years, Be Gone!

What a challenging day. And he even had a nap.

This morning was fairly decent, I suppose. Dori cried for about half of our morning walk. When we returned home, I babysat Dori's friend Dash again. Dash actually slept for most of the visit, but Dori didn't. I tried. Several times. He fell asleep as I was driving to go to my mom's work to help her with some spreadsheets (Joint Commission will be at the hospital tomorrow). So I turned the car around and came home. He awoke when I got him out of the car, but luckily he fell asleep again. He slept for almost 2 hours, but woke up in the foulest mood ever. Cranky, cranky, cranky. Once again, I will totally put some of it down to teething but come on!!!! He wants something, I give it to him, then he throws it on the floor in a fit of rage. Over and over again. I'm at the end of my rope.

It doesn't help that my parents took him yesterday and said he was good with them and then James said to me today that he's never like this during the week. Great. So it's just me. I'm a bad mother. That's fine. I haven't been feeling like the greatest mother anyway. But it royally sucks to have it confirmed.

Yes, yes, yes, I am excited about getting into school - it has been a good week. Well, apart from James being unavailable all week-end (band gigs and stomach upset) and my car breaking down last Friday on my way to work (and missing yet another day!!!!) And I've got a shitload of schoolwork to do tonight and for the rest of the week - last week of school! And I'm working 4 days in HMB, then 5 next week for the following 5 weeks. The commute is getting to me now. Well, not the commute so much as the traffic. I have to keep telling myself "It's temporary!!!" I am not looking forward to this week. But, yes, it has been a good week. I'm very lucky to have gotten into nursing school. But I am so annoyed with all this temper-tantrum bullshit. And everyone and their mother keeps telling me "Just don't react to them." Um, yes, I KNOW THAT! I don't react to them, or if I do, I just try to calmly talk to him. But all that pent-up frustration comes out as soon as he goes to bed and makes me wish I still drank and smoke. Thank god for alternate vices - ice cream and yoga (okay, so I'm trying to make that last one a vice). AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Even better

So Dori refused his nap again today. More temper tantrums ensued. But we ended up having a good afternoon anyway. I babysat his friend Rowan again (we did last Saturday) - we're going to babysit him a lot this month so Ro's parents will take Dori several times when James leaves me to be a single mother in April.

Rowan and Dori are so cute together. I love the fact that Dorian has friends. It is actually so much easier to take care of them when there are two of them and they entertain each other. Even play together a little. Okay, there were lots of pushes and shoves but they're getting there. They are adorable as a team. But I am not going back on my earlier statement - I still don't plan to have any more kids. Maybe a few years, new children's sleep drugs, and a ticking biological clock will change my mind but for now, that's my statement and I'm sticking to it.

I am in a much better state of mind tonight than I was this morning. I am glowing because although my mani-pedi has been postponed, my hair looks gloriously blonde and thin (she thinned out about half of it - we were left with a hairball the size of a cocker spaniel on the floor - no joke). I love it. I loved my run this morning. It felt so good to get my heart pumping again - walks and yoga don't quite do it most of the time. I hope to try out the running stroller tomorrow morning with Dorian - remember that thing? Yeah, the one Dorian refused to ride in. James took him for a walk in it last week because his other stroller got wet...he said he did fine. So hopefully the little brat will allow his mama to get her endorphins going again tomorrow morning. I can deal with him so much better when I am high off exercise.

Mama Time

That's better. I just got back from a run around the lake in the morning sunshine. I'm getting my hair cut and colored in a half hour, then a mani-pedi afterwards. Just what I need.

Then I'll be ready to tackle the little brat again. Just kidding. I really do love him, you know?

I am so lucky to have a husband and parents who love him too. I sure couldn't do this parenting thing on my own.

Too young to get my tubes tied?

Would any doctor do it? I don't want any more children. No. No. No. Can we fast-forward through the toddler years please? Temper tantrum after temper tantrum after temper tantrum. The past 2 hours was one long temper tantrum. My parents just took him off my hands and I told them they can keep him.

And his sleeping has totally regressed. Completely. He has refused naps 4 out of 7 days this week. And last night it took me 2 hours to get him to sleep. He's not doing it on his own anymore - we have to be in there with him. And back to waking up, crying all the time. He has been teething, so I'll give him that, but still, we're pumping him full of drugs. He seems 100% fine (no pain) until it's time to go to sleep...so we think it's an act. And no, it's not the being flat on his back that's causing more pain. Trust me, this kid has us figured out - he knows how to try to get what he wants.

I love him to death. I really, really do. But never again. I will get my baby fixes from being a nurse and helping other people with their babies.

University Acceptances

I got into the 1 year Accelerated Bachelor of Science in Nursing program at Samuel Merritt University! I start May 26th and will complete the program 12 months later. Hopefully, I will be a Registered Nurse by June 2010 (have to pass the licensure exam after completing the program). Yay!

Also, James' sister Hannah was accepted into university for occupational therapy...congratulations Hannah!

And this is why I'm happy to be back at work...

(He is still pretty cute though, isn't he?)

Fabulous Day

I just have to re-post this blog...I posted it on Crockbaby too. I think all my readers visit both blogs, but just in case, I didn't want anyone to miss this. What an awesome day...

Dorian slept wonderfully last night! Down at 7pm - even put himself to sleep. I lay next to him but he didn't need cuddles or anything. He just slowly closed his eyes and fell asleep. He slept until around 12 or so, then came out of his room and climbed into bed with me. Okay, I had to pull him up into bed but he's so close to being able to climbing in...then I won't need to wake up at all during the night. He fell right back asleep as soon as he got into bed with us. Then he slept straight through until just before 6am. A little early, but we'll take it!

I let James sleep in this morning and fed Dori breakfast and played with him for about an hour. As soon as there was a break in the heavy rain we've been having, I took Dorian on a very long walk and to two sessions of Gymboree. By the time we returned home, it was lunchtime. The three of us ate together which was nice - we haven't been able to do much of this lately. Dori's lunch was followed by an unusual midday bath - he insists on feeding himself right now, which we think is a very good thing, but it does mean mealtimes are very, VERY messy. He got chocolate ice cream EVERYWHERE. Yes, even there. I don't know how he managed to do it. After his bath, James got him down for his nap and he slept for THREE hours, uninterrupted!!!! Maybe we should do a bath before nap time every day? Nah, it was more likely the previous night's sleep (remember, sleep begets sleep!)

Then we took him to our friend Renee's house so she could watch him while James and I interviewed at a preschool from 4:30-6:30 (more on that another time). Apparently, Dori was great. The other toddler, Rowan, wasn't too happy with Dori trying to play with all his toys but Dor was a champ and took the bullying like a pro. Then we came home, fed him dinner, and James put him to bed so I could try to get a bit of schoolwork done today. It took longer this evening. James said Dori kept being close to falling asleep so he would get up to leave the bedroom and would find Dorian just behind him, practically sleepwalking (or "sleep following") him. He did this a few times before finally Dori stayed asleep in his bed around 8pm. Fingers crossed! We seem to be having more good nights than bad now (last night was definitely the best yet).

I had the best day with Dorian because I was rested and he was rested. I love days like these. Love them! I feel renewed. I love being a mom! Boy, motherhood brings out the bipolar streak, doesn't it?

Just look at our happy, rested, little chocolate-loving guy (what's not to love?):

One more $%#c^!@ temper tantrum...

And I swear to god I'm putting this kid up for adoption.

How do you DEAL with the toddler years??????????????????

I so prefer the baby year.

Dorian is still refusing to sleep. It sucked getting him down for a nap today. Then he woke up cranky and wouldn't go back to sleep for longer. Last night sucked too. He refused to fall asleep until 9pm (after A LOT of struggle). Then he woke loads in the night and even screamed, just for fun, around 1am. I think James did better without me (when I was at work for those couple days). Do I give off bad vibes or something? James said Dori probably still remembers that I used to nurse him whenever he wanted and he gets reminded of it when I try to cuddle him to sleep. Whatever it is, it sucks!!! I really don't like this.

First Night Away from Dorian

It's been a good week. I spent my first night ever apart from Dorian last night. Apparently, he did great! I was a wreck. I slept worse away from him! The whole point was for me to get a good night's sleep, but I still woke every couple hours and couldn't get back to sleep because I was worrying that he was screaming with me gone. I guess I think too highly of myself. James said he was totally happy to cuddle with him instead of me in order to fall back asleep each time he awoke. It's a huge relief. Now I know I can spend some nights apart from him, and there will be some in March and April once tax season really gets hopping and the commute to and from Half Moon Bay gets old. I stayed over with my friend Dorana last night and it was really great to just be a girl again. We drank some wine, ate cookies, watched American Idol and celeb gossip shows, flipped through fashion magazines and talked about all our colleagues. It was so fun!

I have an incredible amount of schoolwork to do this week-end (I am still playing catch-up from when we were ill) and I want to spend some time with my son too. It's going to be a busy few days, and then it's back to work on Monday. I love work. Silly, I know, because what do I do? Um. Let's see. Quite a lot. But most of the tasks are quite boring if you break them down. Filing. Answering phones. Data entry type work. Proofreading. But my colleagues are awesome. The phone calls are all really pleasant - no nasty clients to deal with or anything like that. My boss is generally in a really good mood. He brings in treats for the office and tax season lunches (and massages!) will start up soon. It really is a great place to work. I don't even usually mind the commute, unless there's bad traffic. I get a couple hours a day to listen to music and collect my thoughts without thinking I have to do schoolwork, clean-up, etc (impossible to do while driving!) Half of the drive has some pretty stunning scenery to look at. It could be worse. I know I'll probably change my tune when I have to do the drive every day but for the moment, I'm actually enjoying it.

I still don't feel very rested, but I'm back on the coffee and that helps me get through the day and be a lot less cranky about my lack of sleep. I had 2 cups of coffee, a large latte, 2 cups of black tea and a Coke today. No wonder it's 11pm and I can't fall asleep now. Caffeine is not so good when you need to go to sleep. Hmmmm. I didn't really think this through. It could be a vicious cycle. I can see it now. Perhaps I would be better off staying off the caffeine.

Not cut out to be a mother?

Let me preface this by saying I love my son to death. You know I do. There is no question about that. I would die for him. And I would never, ever, ever in a million years do anything to hurt him. I will do everything in my power to make sure he leads the very best life possible. He will have the best education we can afford, the best healthcare, the best everything. I love him and cuddle him and am pretty sure as mother and baby, we are "attached" correctly. I would not go back in time and not have him. I would not change anything about him. I love him more than life itself. So don't go calling social services on me or anything for what I am about to say, okay? I am just venting.

Lately, I have really been wondering if I am cut out to be a mother. I have had a much harder time with motherhood than many. I always thought I wanted several children. I always thought I would foster children someday when we had the space and money. I thought I wanted to go into pediatric nursing. I have always loved children. I adored being pregnant. I could be pregnant for the rest of my life. I truly loved it (first trimester nausea and third trimester bladder-pressing and insomnia aside) - I was so happy and healthy and excited and positively glowing. It was the best 9 months of my life. But I honestly don't know if I could do it again (for me; I could see myself being a surrogate mom). I don't know if I can do this parenting thing more than once.

Everyone keeps telling me that my next child will probably be easy. He'll probably sleep, wean easily and not have any of the "issues" Dorian has had. Maybe. But maybe not. Could I really take that chance? I have been exhausted this past year. I have never felt fatigue like this. I feel positively sick from it some days. I have lost more weight than I ever have before, apart from when I decided I was too fat at 15. I have gotten more illnesses than I have since freshman year in college when I got Mono, strep, bronchitis and a sinus infection over the course of 8 months. I had that stomach bug and now I am still sick with this damn cold. I can't seem to shake it. I have been sick for more than 6 weeks now (I count jet lag/severe sleep deprivation as an ailment - bear with me, I haven't passed the nursing exam yet so I may technically be wrong on this!) I am tired. Every bone in my body aches. My back, which has caused me minor pain for nearly a decade, is chronically sore and aching now. I never have a moment's relief from backache now. I hadn't had a migraine in years, but I had one last week-end. I am tired.

I don't have the patience to deal with the temper tantrums of a toddler. Today, I took Dorian for most of the day so James could try to catch up on some of his projects. I have spend the better portion of 3.5 hours trying to get Dorian down for a nap. I am exhausted. He is exhausted. I have tried everything. While he is doing much better sleep-wise since being weaned, we still have a long way to go, particularly with getting him to fall asleep and stay asleep on his own. I am so tired of it all. I don't enjoy my time with him when I'm trying to get him to sleep. When I think of all the hours (that probably amount to months in terms of time, seriously!) I have spent just trying to get him to FALL asleep, I get so frustrated. I should be using that time to study, clean, rejuvenate, do anything other than "waste" it trying to get him to sleep. It's not bonding time for Dori and I anymore now that we're not nursing. There's nothing fun about it for either of us. He screams and I get irritated after about 30 minutes of it. We have tried just leaving him to cry it out but he ends up throwing MAJOR tantrums and hurting himself in the process. I hate it. I have been LOVING the days where I get to go to work and not have to watch him. I get back home and see him for about 30 minutes before he goes to bed and that's been great. It's so strange because when I'm at work I miss him so much and I look forward to the days I have off with him but then when they arrive, I don't fully enjoy them and end the day frustrated and disappointed and so excited to return to work the next day. I wish I could work 7 days a week. I feel like such a bad mom for sharing all this but I really need to get it out. I've not been fully happy for awhile now (you guys know this; you know how tired I've been) but I would say I've been even more frustrated since 2009 started. I know, I KNOW, I have a good life. I know I have a promising future. I know I've got a wonderful family and support system and house and brain and looks and blah blah blah. I know all this. I know people would kill to live my life. And I do feel blessed for my life. But I just feel so unhappy being a mom sometimes. And no, it's not depression or postpartum depression or anything like that. I've been depressed before and this is certainly not it.* I have no trouble getting out of bed (except for the fact that I am tired!), I love having good hygiene and self-care, I am happy to see friends, walk, go to Gymboree, out to lunch, work, study, and do all my normal daily routines. I am happy to spend time with Dorian when he is rested and in a good mood and when it's not naptime or bedtime. Truly. He is at such a fun age in terms of development and when he cuddles me, it just melts my heart. He makes me laugh like no one else can. He is adorable. I just hate the sleep issues. I feel like they put a damper on EVERYTHING. I don't feel like myself anymore. I am so tired.

I feel so unhappy with the way motherhood has turned out to be. I had no idea it would be this hard, this tiring, this unfulfilling actually. I can't wait to start nursing school and have a real focus, a real goal, a real life. Right now I just feel like I am this close to taking out a loan and hiring a nanny for the days I am supposed to watch Dorian. It is so hard.

*Some of my unhappiness the past couple weeks is probably due to hormonal changes in my body since weaning Dorian. However, I've been unhappy with the sleep issues and sleep-deprivation for a good 16 months. 17 actually, if we include the last month of pregnancy.

I think we can finally say it!

Dorian is officially weaned. Woohoo!!!! 80 hours and counting! Last night was horrendous...he woke every 45 minutes. It was horrible, and I am still so rundown and weak with this cold. Definitely been a rough few days for me. But, hey, it's been worth it. Dorian didn't even try to nurse last night. Not once. And he drank whole milk! About 12 ounces of it from his sippy cup throughout the night! And didn't make a run for the kitchen for cottage cheese. This is huge!!! And while he woke often, it didn't take too long to get him back to sleep each time. We'll work on it. We'll let him settle a bit after this weaning episode, then we will re-focus on his sleeping habits.

The 3 W's: Weaning, Work, Weight

50 hours and counting! Last night was better that the night before - he woke less, cried less, didn't even try to nurse! He still had cottage cheese in the middle of the night - how are we going to break that habit if it becomes one? He refused whole milk all night long. Even with chocolate syrup and warmed up. I guess having to go the kitchen one time a night to feed him is easier than having to nurse every couple hours, but it's not ideal. Ideas? Is there some kind of milky cottage-cheesy smoothy drink he'd love in the middle of the night?

I am even sicker today...just phoned my doctor for some cough syrup. I was up coughing all night long and I have the achey diaphragm, weak body feeling going on. I sound like I have been smoking 10 packs a day my whole life combined with shouting at a rock concert 7 nights in a row. Needless to say, I had to phone in sick to work. Great...my second week back and I have already missed 2 days due to illness (missed Day 1 last week due to the stomach bug). Luckily, I'm not trying to impress them or keep this job long-term or anything but I still hate letting people down. And because I'm a temporary/contract employee, I don't get sick pay so that sucks too. Actually, it makes me feel better about letting my employers down (at least they're not shelling out money for me to stay in bed) but James and I could really use the cash right now.

Ho hum. In other news, I keep chowing down on ice cream so don't think I've lost anymore weight with this illness. I want to apologize for going on about weight loss in the last post. I used to HATE people who lost weight without trying. I always thought it was so unfair. Even if people lost the weight due to stress, illness, etc, I was always so fucking jealous of them. I couldn't imagine losing weight without trying - it's always been such a struggle for me to maintain a figure I'm happy with. And yet, now I've become one of these hated people and realize some of my friends and family may be sticking pins and needles in my voodoo doll right now. The only thing I can say is, have a baby! Nurse a toddler half your size (he is 33 inches tall now, I am only 62!), round the clock...that should do the trick. I was always so skeptical when mothers were skinnier after having babies. You know, Victoria Beckham and Kelly Ripa are always saying they're so skinny due to having children. I always thought, "Right, that's a cover-up for anorexia and plastic surgery." That doesn't actually happen, right? Well, it appears it does for some reason. It's really odd. Please don't hate me. I am sure my metabolism will slow down again once the hormones are completely out of my body and the stress of tax season followed by nursing school will make me eat more again. I am one of those people who usually eats more in times of stress, not less. I would put money on the fact that I'll put on weight in the next year and then be back at the same place as all you guys. While it's been nice to be so thin and able to eat whatever I want for the first time in my life, I do miss the self-loathing and camaraderie that comes with being hopeless at sticking to a diet and not liking yourself in a swimsuit. I'll be back soon, I promise. We can all have a party with bowls of cookie dough, bottles of Coke, celebrity gossip magazines and plenty of opportunity for crying about our bodies and pinching our belly fat. Just like old times!

Another bad week

Boy, these bad weeks just coming one after the other. Surely I'm due a break soon. After returning from a jet-lagged 3 weeks in England with no sleep, and then getting over the stomach flu last week, I have now picked up a cold. My throat feels like it is ON FIRE and it kills to swallow. At this rate, I'm going to waste away into nothing. First I can't eat due to a stomach bug, now this. I am chowing down on ice cream and full-fat cream top yogurt at the moment.

I felt okay yesterday, just had a sore throat. I went to work; I assumed it was just fatigue. My throat often hurts when I don't get enough sleep. However, by the end of the day, my throat was killing me. I had planned to stay at the office to study for a few hours, but decided to come straight home instead. James and I talked when I returned home and decided to start weaning Dori from his night feedings. He's been off the daytime ones for a week now. I don't work on Tuesdays, so we thought last night would be a good night to start since we're both home today. Then tomorrow I'm at work again, but we thought I could actually just stay overnight with a friend in Half Moon Bay since I work Thursday as well. Less of a commute for me for those 2 days, I can get more studying done Wednesday night, and James can "deal" with Dorian that night. That would be my first night apart from Dorian and could be the final test of weaning.

Last night was pretty awful, but I managed to get through it without nursing Dorian. It has now been 27 hours since he last nursed (I have had to pump twice - probably should have done more, but I waited until milk was gushing from me). There was a lot of crying, a lot of screaming, a lot of kicking, back arching, pulling at my shirt and slobbering at my chest but we didn't nurse. I was the one to go into Dorian's room everytime for several reasons. First of all, James doesn't tend to wake up until Dorian has been crying for several minutes. By that time, I'm already holding and rocking Dorian and I don't want James to take him from me because my biggest fear with this weaning thing is that Dorian will think I'm abandoning him. Particularly since I am gone during the day too...he must be so confused! So I sang to him (with my ever-growing hoarse voice), rocked him, rubbed his back and even managed to get him to drink a bit of cow's milk out of a sippy sup. He also ran into the kitchen at 1am and tried to open the fridge. When I opened it for him, he pulled out the cottage cheese and ate about a cup's worth! Since stopping the daytime nursings, James and I have noticed he eats cottage cheese about every hour - he goes to the fridge, pulls on the door and whines until we open it. When we open it, he grabs the cottage cheese, pulls it out and then whines until we open it and feed him some. He doesn't drink milk, but cottage cheese is obviously his replacement for breast milk. I suppose it works...we get the full fat kind so there's lots of protein, calcium and obviously, fat, just like milk.

Anyway, I got about 3 hours of sleep and my cold is horrendous this morning. Snotty nose and throat, pain in throat and ears. No fun. And I have to work tomorrow and Thursday. And I have got 18 (yes, 18 - WTF?!!!!!) chapters to read by Sunday, 2 case studies to complete, a quiz and an exam to take by Friday!!!! It's going to be a really, really shitty few days here.

But, it looks like this is going to be it for Dori and his boobies. I don't think there's any going back. James said to me at 4am this morning, "Kel, you can nurse him if you want." And I thought, "FUCK NO! I have not just spent hours and hours of avoiding nursing him to cave in 2 hours before the night is due to end. No fucking way am I starting over again." We have learned our lesson too many times with sleep training. I am not giving up with the weaning this time. I have loved nursing my son, but it is time. I am so over it. My body has really taken a toll recently. I am too skinny. I am too tired. My skin is horrible. My psoriasis is back. I think my immune system is shot. It's no wonder. I have this toddler, and quite a large one at that (95th percentile for height!!!!), wanting to nurse every couple hours and his nutritional needs are so much greater than those of a baby. My boobs were rock hard, ready to explode, both times I went to pump. It's obvious that boy has been taking a lot out of me recently. I need to focus on keeping myself healthy. If all goes as planned, it's going to be quite the intense year for me. I am not going to have made it this far (hopefully getting into the nursing program) to crash and burn because my immune system is so shot I can't handle the "stress."

We are really hoping weaning Dorian will change his sleep habits too...maybe he won't wake as much because he won't expect a "milkshake" every hour? If, in a couple weeks after he's weaned, he's still not sleeping better, we're going to consider hiring a sleep consultant to help us out. I need this kid sleeping by May if I do get into this nursing program. There's only so much one can do without sleep. I have never been one of those people who loses weight unintentionally. Seriously...I have had years of issues with my weight. Up and down, up and down (up unintentionally, down intentionally obviously). This is the first time in my life that weight has just dropped off me uncontrollably. I eat ice cream every day. I have mochas twice a day sometimes. Lots of snacks and desserts. Full-fat yogurt, cottage cheese, cheese. I consciously try to eat more than usual (which has already been a lot more than I could ever eat before since nursing Dorian - one of the reasons I have loved nursing). Something must not be right if I keep losing weight. That just doesn't happen to me. It is obvious to me that stress, fatigue and Dorian's nursing antics are just sucking the life out of me. Quite literally. And now I have gotten sick twice in a week. I don't normally get sick that often. Fuck, I hadn't had the stomach flu since I was about 8! Needless to say, James and I decided it would be best to get that boy off the boob!!! He needs a living mother, not a legend (I know, I'm full of myself, right?)

Anyway, I love my life. I really, really do. I am so lucky. I know that. I have luck oozing out of me. So many things in my life do tend to fall into place. I have always had a good life. I really wouldn't change it, or any piece of my past either. I think that's probably why it is so hard when things don't go my way. I'm not used to it. ;) It's been a really tough few months. Thanks for letting me vent.

Work, Stomach Bugs and Weaning

Back to work tomorrow. I will likely work 3 long days a week until March, then full-time (5-6 days) until the end of tax season. I've had enough time off - 17 months! It's time for me to bring home the bacon, especially since I will hopefully be in school full-time soon.

I was supposed to start Monday but I was still getting over a nasty stomach bug. The whole family had it (we gave it to my parents too). Oh, it was horrible. I lost 7 pounds and am just now able to stomach something other than dry toast. It's been 4 days! I look awful. It would have been a great diet for losing the baby weight about 6 months ago but I really didn't need it right now. I look like the walking dead. Luckily, I am going back to work at an accounting firm, not a modeling agency or anything.

We're finally working on properly weaning Dorian but of course, it's been tough since he had the stomach flu. We had to put it on hold (AGAIN) for a few days. I haven't nursed him at all during the day for the past couple days. I went 12+ hours both days and my boobs survived too. I'm relieved. I REALLY didn't want to have to pump at work again...it's such a drag and there's no real private area to do it in. Nights have been trickier. Dori is sooooo used to nursing himself to sleep. So we're focusing on the daytimes right now since I will still be around at night. He did manage to fall asleep last night without nursing, but tonight he cried for 2 hours so I finally gave in and nursed him to sleep. At least 2 hours of crying would buy me time to get home from work...I shouldn't be back home too much later than 7:30pm each day.

And so we persevere. Being a parent is hard. Really hard. I'm having second thoughts about wanting more children. I love my child to death, but I don't know if I'll have the strength to deal with all this again (and by this, I mean the sleepless nights, insane jet lag, sleep training, bottle refusal, pacifier refusal, attachment to nursing, refusal to wean, screaming for hours on end, etc). Dorian is an amazing child and I wouldn't change him for the world but I can't say he's been easy. Quite the opposite actually. Having a child really makes you wish you were born with more patience.

Nursing School Update

I am working really hard in my last two nursing prerequisites (for the Accelerated BSN program): Pathophysiology and Pharmacology. They are online courses through Samuel Merritt, the nursing school I have applied for, and they are TOUGH. But I love them. I keep surprising myself with my interest in all things related to nursing. This truly is my calling. I never thought I'd enjoy studying the hard sciences again but Pharmacology and Pathophysiology are all about chemistry and biology. I have been studing Fluid & Electrolytes and Acid/Base Balance this week, the notorious "Make or Break" section in most nursing courses. I LOVE IT!!!!! I am fascinated by the topic and while it is challenging to completely understand everything related to the subject, it is not impossible. I am so thrilled I have finally found something that excites me in life! I feel like I have been searching for something for years and this is it. I will hear if I get into the program by the end of February. If I do, it will be a super intense year starting May 26th, but I can't wait. I can't think of anything more fun. I am so happy to be using my brain again!