Power to the students!!!

We're storming the chancellor again tomorrow and hope KRON (TV station) will follow.

We are all doing our best to get in touch with contacts who can help.

We can do it!

Success!!!

Nothing happened today - the dean essentially told everyone that no changes would be made to the program. Some of my classmates then tried to go to the chancellor (the head of the whole Peralta Community College District) and they were brushed aside...they are going to try again tomorrow.

However, in the meantime, one of my classmates was able to get a local newspaper (the East Bay Express) to write an article!!!! WOOOOOOHOOOOOO! I hope to speak with the reporter and give her my views!

This program is going down!!!!

They have spoken

Wow. Talk about not taking any responsibility for your actions. The Dean of Merritt College spoke to the Class of 2010 nursing students (and some of the drop-outs, like myself) today. What a joke. Nothing is going to change. She basically said if you didn't pass the exams, maybe you didn't study hard enough and/or are not cut out for nursing. I am so glad I am out of there. She said she would take everyone's complaints and try to come up with a plan. She's going to readdress the class again tomorrow. I doubt she does a thing that affects this year's class.

It was great to see my classmates again. People are contacting the Peralta Colleges chancellor, the mayor, newspapers, TV stations, the governor's office, hospitals, Board of Registered Nursing and more. Everyone is livid about the situation. I felt so bad for some of my classmates today who were crying about how much they had sacrificed to get there - good jobs, time with their family, MARRIAGES!!!! I ache for them. Just as I've been aching myself. It was good to see that I'm not alone...there are 102 other people who are hurting as much as I am, if not more. I felt very blessed today. You all know I don't believe in God or anything, but I can't think of a better word. I felt so blessed to have James, Dorian, my parents, my youth (some of my classmates are 50+), a stable living situation, some savings, parents who can lend me money, a clean transcript, other options for school, etc. I promise to fight this for all it's worth. For all of my classmates. I will make sure I do my bit to see the school pay for this. Mom, I need your contacts! :)

Sunday night

Feeling a bit better. Had a good afternoon at a neighborhood block party with James and Dorian. James is in the process of fixing my laptop. I spoke with one of my fellow nursing school drop-outs who had the same transcript issue and was able to get it resolved. Phew. I am going to campus tomorrow to hear the dean and head of nursing speak to the class (including drop-outs). Can't wait to hear their excuses. I will also get my transcript sorted out. Then go to the college I am applying to for next year to try to get some info from them about a few things. I went to yoga again today. I love my yoga class. It does help de-stress me a bit. And I'm getting so fit. It is the hardest class I've ever taken. I love it!

Another virus

Not only is Dorian sick, but my laptop has yet another freaking virus. I think this is the 4th one in 8 months. I can not believe it. What a fucking rotten week-end it's been.

Emotionally Drained

I am going to bed. I am so tired of all this up and down shit. I finally feel like I am getting things together, making new plans, accepting that things change, then something just knocks me down again. I feel so lucky to have Dorian and James. I love my family so much. But all this career/school shit is bullshit. I wish I could just win the lottery and travel all over the world with my family full-time. That's not me being lazy. I am anything but. I am so prepared to work hard...I put my all into whatever I am doing! I never give less than 100%. I am the ultimate over-achiever. I was shocked and devastated when I found out I was not passing the nursing program at Merritt. Then angry, no, LIVID, at the system. But I did everything right in pulling out before it was too late. Everything. And I still have to deal with the possibility of a black mark on my transcript. I just don't get it. I did everything right!!!! I work hard! I can't think anymore today. My head feels like it's going to explode and I am so tired of stressing. My eyes burn from crying. These past few weeks have really hit me hard today. All my plans. Changed. Possibly forever. Due to one fucking messed up, fraudulant school. I feel so cheated. My heart literally aches. You know the kind of upset I am talking about...the one you feel when someone close to you has died. I know I should keep thinking positively, and believe me, I have been. I have!!! I have been looking forward - enrolling in a CNA program, statistics, looking at other nursing schools. It just all feels so broken and shaken up that even if am able to get into the other program, do I really want to get $65K in debt, be majorly stressed for a year (accelerated program) and not see my family at all? But do I want to push it back another year or two and get even more in debt by going for the 2 year, less intensive program? Or do I take a year off and just work as a CNA to make a little money for our family and try to re-evaluate my life? But then Dorian is going to be like 7 or 8 before we have another kid (I certainly don't want another one now, but if school gets pushed back a couple years, it may be a long time before we have another one). I just feel like I had everything planned out and it's all been destroyed. I had it in my head that the community college route was the best way to go...cheapest, closest to home, least intensive. In the end, it stressed me out more than any accelerated program ever would. Even though I've been putting on a brave face for everyone and talking excitedly about my new plans, I feel crushed. I feel like the carpet has just been ripped out from under me. I don't know what I want to do. I really don't. Yes, I want to be a nurse. That has not changed. But I just don't know what to do in the short-term. I feel so confused. I really don't know if I want to go for another nursing program so soon. I know that sounds crazy. But I feel like it may be too much. It's so stressful looking into them right now, with all the entrance exams and essays and applications I have to do. And I have 1 month to do them in. Part of me thinks I should just take it easy for a year or so and work as a CNA. But then again, that's so much less money than I could be making as an RN so is that really the best thing for my family? Our meager savings is not going to last forever. I am so confused. And so angry, so angry at Merritt College. I have never been so furious or hurt in all my life. I feel really betrayed here. We've lost hundreds and hundreds of dollars. Months, possibly years in which I could have been working/going to a different school. All the energy and time I put into preparing for that school. This hurts even more than when my first love cheated on me. And believe me, I never thought anything could top that hurt. I wish there was something I could do to get back at the system. It is so fucked. I am so tired of all these emotions. I just want to be happy and carefree again. Life feels so unstable without a plan anymore. I know you can't plan your whole life, but I am one of those people who really needs to know what I'm doing. And now? I just don't even know what I want to do. I really don't. I feel so confused. So uncertain. And quite frankly, sad. I am feeling very sorry for myself at the moment. I am lucky Dorian is so cute...he really brightens my day. It's hard to be sad around him (thank god, because I would never want him to see me upset). I don't want to worry you guys - it's not like I'm going off the deep end or anything over here. Remember, it is really cathartic for me to write. I will be fine. I always am. I just feel so much uncertainty right now. It's suffocating me. I am going to bed.

FUCKING PERALTA COLLEGES!!!!

Oh my god, I can't stop crying and swearing. I hate that fucking school so much!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Even now that I'm gone, they're still trying to fuck up my future. I specifically dropped out a day before the drop deadline so I wouldn't have these classes on my transcript!!!!!! I just checked my account online and it's showing one of the classes as withdrawn (a big black mark against me on my transcript)!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The fucking administration of that school is appalling. James is going to go down with me on Monday to fight it. I need his help because I am not always assertive enough in situations like that. If I have to, I am going to get my mom and Alta Bates involved. Talk to a couple of my lawyer friends. But I need it all done ASAP because my applications are due November 1st!!!! I am dreading all the offices I'm going to have to go to next week to try to get this mess sorted. That school is FUCKED. I am so upset right now. So upset. Luckily Dorian is asleep. I wish James were home. I wish my parents weren't out of town. I am so upset. I can't believe I have had to deal with all this! What is wrong with that school???? I want to go on the news and broadcast it to the world that the school is seriously messed up. I can't stop crying. What if we can't get it off my transcript? I am fucked. My future is fucked. God, I'm so upset. I can't stop crying. I think I better go see if the neighbors can still watch Dorian, cold and all, once he wakes up from his nap. I am so upset.

Date

Yesterday afternoon, James and I went on our second date since Dorian has been born. Where did we go on our date? To two music stores. That's right, not just one music store, TWO music stores. I sat in the car both times...the first time, James promised to pop in and get what he needed. What actually happened? I was in the car for over 20 minutes! I finally called him on his cell phone and at last, he came out...apparently, the owner (who knows my parents) FORCED James to play some new guitars and mandolins. Never mind that his wife (who was looking very hot yesterday might I add) was waiting in the car to have a glass of wine with her husband and perhaps even let him get to second base. At least we know what the man's priorities are. Music first. Wife second. :) We did have a lovely date after that. We sat outside in a restaurant garden, drank wine and ate gourmet pizza in the sun. We didn't even talk about Dorian. We shared a few kisses and lingering looks. It was very nice. Until we had to leave to go to another music store to buy banjo strings. Over an hour picking the perfect outfit, bathing, shaving, putting on make-up, doing my hair and I get brushed aside for guitar and banjo string shopping. Honestly! I don't know why I bother.

What else can go wrong this morning?

Dori woke up with cold - cough, snot, sneezing, etc. James isn't feeling so hot either. I feel okay but I am really tired and dreading today (James is away all day gigging and I can't take Dori to his activities if he's sick). My neighbors were going to play with him for a bit this afternoon but I am guessing they won't want to now because they have two young daughters.

Then, one of my parents came into our room this morning while Dori, James and I were still in bed...we had agreed to drive my parents to the airport this morning but then they told James they didn't need a ride. Apparently, some wires were crossed and they did still actually need a ride. They emailed us last night but it was after we had gone to bed. We were not happy to be disturbed without a knock this morning. They called our phones but we turn off our phones at night. I don't know why they didn't knock; maybe they did and we didn't hear them but needless to say we were extremely unhappy to have one of my parents unlock our door, come into our house, into our bedroom uninvited. I know they needed a ride, but come on. We pay rent. We deserve privacy. We could have been shagging!!!! I'm sure there's an explanation but what a mess.

Then I got home and was starving. James was going to make us a big breakfast this morning but he decided he felt too ill for one. I really wanted a big breakfast though (didn't have dinner last night due to an earlier date we went on) so I decided to attempt cooking. I burned my first set of toast. The second set was perfect. The boiled (3 minute) eggs didn't cook through enough so I put them in the microwave. 5 minutes later, still not done. The damn microwave was set to defrost. I put them in on high and left them in too long and they were a plastic mess. I put too much oil in the pan and the mushrooms were overcooked. By the time I was done attempting to cook, my toast was cold (I hate cold toast). James accidentally put his used teabag in my fresh cup of coffee. The peaches I bought to go with breakfast were moldy. What a mess. Then James, nice guy that is, offered to make me breakfast anyway. He did. But then when I went to put pepper on the eggs, the top fell off and the whole thing of pepper went all over my eggs and veggie sausage!!!!!! Then I picked up the plate to bring it into the kitchen to scrape off the pepper and I burned my hand (James knows I like my food super hot and had thoughtfully heated the plate in the oven for me but hadn't told me). What a freaking mess!!!!

And we opened our mail from yesterday and just found out we may have to find a new pediatrician for Dori ASAP because they may not take our health insurance anymore!

Please tell me this day can't get any worse!!!!

Politics

I just have to share the following (thanks to Jess for posting it on her blog):

* If you grow up in Hawaii, raised by your grandparents, you're "exotic, different."

* If you grow up in Alaska eating moose burgers, you're a quintessential American story.

* If your name is Barack, you're a radical, unpatriotic Muslim.

* If you name your kids Willow, Trig and Track, you're a maverick.

* If you graduate from Harvard Law School, you are unstable.

* If you attend 5 different small colleges before graduating, you're well grounded.

* If you spend 3 years as a brilliant community organizer, become the first black President of the Harvard Law Review, create a voter registration drive that registers 150,000 new voters, spend 12 years as a Constitutional Law professor, spend 8 years as a State Senator representing a district with over 750,000 people, become chairman of the state Senate's Health and Human Services committee, spend 4 years in the United States Senate representing a state of 13 million people while sponsoring 131 bills and serving on the Foreign Affairs, Environment and Public Works and Veteran's Affairs committees, you don't have any real leadership experience.

* If your total resume is: local weather girl, 4 years on the city council and 6 years as the mayor of a town with less than 7,000 people, 20 months as the governor of a state with only 650,000 people, then you're qualified to become the country's second highest ranking executive.

* If you have been married to the same woman for 19 years while raising 2 beautiful daughters, all within Protestant churches, you're not a real Christian.

* If you cheated on your first wife with a rich heiress, and left your disfigured wife and married the heiress the next month, you're a Christian.

* If you teach responsible, age appropriate sex education, including the proper use of birth control, you are eroding the fiber of society.

* If, while governor, you staunchly advocate abstinence only, with no other option in sex education in your state's school system, while your unwed teen daughter ends up pregnant, you're very responsible and if you try to make victimized women pay for their own rape kits, you're very responsible.

* If your wife is a Harvard graduate lawyer who gave up a position in a prestigious law firm to work for the betterment of her inner city community, then gave that up to raise a family, your family's values don't represent America 's.

* If you're husband is nicknamed "First Dude", with at least one DWI conviction and no college education, who didn't register to vote until age 25 and once was a member of a group that advocated the secession of Alaska from the USA, your family is extremely admirable.

OWWWWWIE!!!!!

How is this possible? My muscle soreness has gotten worse as the day has progressed...I can barely move now! I just popped some more painkillers and am going to take a bath. This is crazy! It is a good kind of sore, sort of, but it kills to lift Dorian and I don't know if I'm going to be able to wash my hair for my friends tonight. Oh well, they're not going to caress it or anything. At least they'd better not.

It is so strange to me that your body can get this sore without "telling" you while you're doing the activity! I was just fine in class yesterday - sure, it was tough but at no point did I feel pain or even fatigue. I just felt like I was getting a good work-out. It felt great actually. My back has never felt better (which was really promising for me because I often experience back pain, particularly during certain exercises).

Anyone else ever experience crazy-intense all-over body muscle soreness? This is definitely worse than the last time. Something tells me I probably won't be making it back to yoga yet tomorrow.

Vacation

OMG, I have had such a good week. I had so much fun last night getting a couple drings down my neck at this very cool little Oakland bar: Conga Lounge. I saw three of my friends from my moms' group and we only talked about our babies for about half of the time. Tonight, my friends from the accounting firm are coming over and we're getting Indian take-out and too many bottles of wine. Tomorrow morning, I am going to attempt to do yoga again. Life is grand...I needed a week off. I hadn't realized how tired I was! I've been napping almost every day! This week-end I am going to start job-hunting and my Medical Terminology class in earnest.

Ow

Oh my god. Could I be any sorer? Wow. The last time I was this sore was when I took a class three years ago at The Bar Method (I would have loved to continue classes there but they don't offer any in Oakland). Anyway, back to yoga. Monkey Yoga. Holy moly. It was a great class. Not your silly meditating yoga. Proper cardio yoga in combination with isometric stretches in a heated room. I love it!

Mid-Week Update

Happenings in my new life:

1. I start taking yoga classes today...new student special for $30 and it's right by my house. The studio has gotten amazing reviews and awards in local newspapers. I am so excited! Check it out.
2. I started my online Medical Terminology class yesterday.
3. I am updating my resume and looking for jobs.
4. I am spending time with my soooooo close to walking little boy!
5. I am going out tonight to a cocktail bar with some of my moms' group friends.
6. I am going out to dinner and drinks tomorrow with my friends from the accounting firm.
7. I still feel like this was the best decision I could have made. Yay for clarity.

Plan B is going according to plan...

I just got back from meeting with a counselor at the College of Alameda. I was able to enroll in Statistics, the last prerequisite I needed for BSN programs. I found a late-start fall semester class that meets on week-ends from October 25-December 14 and was able to get into it. Yay! Yet another sign this was meant to be.

I'm really lucky. I actually took most of the additional BSN prerequisites because originally I wasn't sure which program I was going to aim for. Had I not done that, I would have needed to take two more classes right now...Nutrition and Life Span Human Development. All signs point toward a BSN for Kelly!

I also just enrolled in an online Medical Terminology class (self-paced). It is not for credit (only for certification and continuing education units) but it will be really good for me to get a solid basis of all the roots, prefixes, suffixes, etc. Also, apparently some of the temporary positions I may be going for in the hospital may require this course.

Life goes on

James is home again. He left Friday morning before I dropped out so it was really nice to see him again and get a big hug. I am feeling really good about my decision today. I researched a lot of options last night and I know what I'm going to do. I also have back-up plans in case I don't get into the school I want. I am going to try to get a job at Alta Bates (where my mom works) or another hospital. That way I can hopefully continue working there even if I don't get into school next year. It will be good to start working in a hospital whether that ends up being as an administrative assistant, nursing assistant, admissions rep or other position. Life throws you curve balls, you just gotta catch them and keep going. I am learning that. If I don't become a nurse for another 10 years, no harm done. We won't be as financially well-off as we had hoped, but in this day and age, who is? I've got a wonderful husband, a healthy, happy son and a good head on a strong body. What more could you ask for?

All you need is love

I can't believe how lucky I am. I have all these friends rallying around to support me. My high school best friend called me this morning to check up on me. We're meeting up tomorrow. Some of my friends from my new moms' group are going out for drinks with me at a hip new cocktail bar (woohoo!) Wednesday night. My friends from the accounting firm are going to do drinks with me later in the week. I have received over a dozen personal emails and numerous more Facebook messages. And of course, my parents and James have been incredible. I am very lucky to have the support system I do. Thank you!!!

Emotional Roller Coaster

I woke up doubting myself today. Then I read some emails from my classmates and was reminded that I did the right thing. I can not believe schools like Merritt can exist. It has to be illegal. It just has to. If I had more time and power, I'd try to do something about it. But I am so tired of trying to fight the system. Screw 'em. Better things await me. I need to be patient. It's so hard to know what you want to do with your life and not be able to do it right away!

Looking forward

I am going to apply for BSN (Bachelor of Science in Nursing) programs for next year. I am excited. It's a better degree. I didn't go for it originally because I wanted the cheapest, quickest way to a nursing career. How stupid was I??? Should have just shelled out money to go to a good school. I took my prerequisites through the Peralta Colleges (a network of East Bay community/junior colleges that includes Merritt College) and was impressed with the education I received for $20 a unit. I had no idea their nursing program was so awful. Where does their nursing program go so wrong? Let me tell you, that will be another post...and probably multiple letters to the dean, vice president, chancellor, local newspapers and more. But more on that later.

This post is about looking forward. Things happen for a reason. I truly believe this. I have no regrets in life. I really don't. Sometimes I feel like I do at the time and for a short while after, but then later, I realize "Ahhhh, so that's why that happened." Life is too short to dwell on the past. I can't believe this is me talking. I feel like I'm really growing up here! But seriously, what's the use of living in the past? You can't change anything. Now if only I could get over my very bad habit of always planning the future. I need to live in the moment more. I feel like I am starting to do that with Dorian. Maybe I should have 10 more children so I'd have no choice but to live in the moment all the time. On second thought, maybe not. I plan to spend the next year taking a couple classes I need for the BSN programs, working part-time (stay tuned), studying Nursing Fundamentals and practicing NCLEX-RN questions at home and of course, spending time with my ever-changing son and my poor, forgotten husband. Life is grand, you know? It really is. I am very lucky.

Nursing School Drop-Out

I am shell-shocked. It's been a very emotional week. Very. I haven't cried so much since I miscarried 2 years ago. I can't believe what I just did. I just dropped out of nursing school. Yes, that's right. I dropped out. I had been planning for this year for the past 3+ years. And now, I'm a drop-out. I don't quit!!!! Ever. That is not me. But the school I was attending is seriously fucked up. I couldn't stay there, even if I did pass. But even worse, I couldn't risk getting the permanent black marks on my transcript and the drop deadline was today. I've researched it a lot this week and other nursing schools do not look kindly upon F's or W's (withdrawals) on your transcript, particularly from another nursing school. I honestly don't think I could have made the points I needed to pass the Fundamentals course. I talked to a couple teachers and they basically said it was impossible. What a rotten school. What a totally, utter, rotten, rotten school. Wow. Big change of plans. At least for the moment. I will still become a nurse, there's no doubt about that. I am even more determined now. But, big change in plans. Wow, oh wow. More to come later but I think I need a drink. Oh my god. I'm not in nursing school anymore.

Thanks for the support

I really need it right now. I keep having moments of serious self-doubt and fear of my future without nursing school in it.

Luckily, I finally got that first drug dosage calculation exam back today and I got 100%!!! One of 7 people in the class who aced it.

And I passed my lab skills exam today (not graded, just pass or fail).

So things might be looking up?

Thanks again for all the love...please keep it coming. I am going to throw a MAJOR party if I get through nursing boot camp!!!!

Bye for now

I didn't do well on my first Fundamentals exam. No one in the class did. The highest score was an 84. The highest!!!! Crazy. They don't grade on a curve unfortunately. Everyone else got in the 60s and 70s with a few 40s and 50s, I believe. I got a 65!!!! A 65!!! How is that possible???? I haven't done that poorly on an exam since high school when I decided I couldn't do math or science and kind of just gave up. I've never felt so stupid in all my life.

I am terrified I'm not going to make it. Everyone is. Most people didn't make the 75 mark. At least I'm not the only one. But it means we have to make above 75 on the next 2 exams in order to continue in the program. I have to make 80 on the next two in order to pass. No pressure or anything. I cried for like 5 hours last night. Seriously. Class was actually quite funny this morning. Everyone had puffy eyes and talked about how they've never cried so hard in all their life. I wish I had recorded it.

So, it's going to be studying 24/7 for me for the next month. The next Fundamentals exam is in 10 days. Then 2 weeks after that is the third one. I have to pass them. I have to. There's no alternative. I wouldn't make it into another nursing school because the F would show up on my transcript, and it's the same transcript my prerequisites are on. I can't not be a nurse. I can't have worked this hard and sacrificed so much only to fail!!!! What the hell will we do if I don't make it? We can't afford for me not to become a nurse - we're blowing through our savings at the moment and have a baby to provide for. I have never felt so much pressure in all my life.

So if I don't respond to emails or messages over the next month, don't take it personally. Please send good thoughts my way!!! I can do it. I know I can. I am smart and capable. I will do this.

Unbearable

Does anyone actually like this weather?????? Enough is enough. It is too freaking hot!!!!!!! I hate it!!!!!!!!!!!! I can't study. There's no air conditioning on campus and it's like 10 degrees hotter up there - I swear it had to have been like 100 there on Friday. The coffee shops are packed and I can't always get a comfy seat. Too hot to study outside. My house is full of baby toys and messes, not to mention the baby and husband.

I can not wait until winter!

3rd week almost done!

I have my second exam tomorrow. Still haven't gotten the first one back. Last week's exam was on Drug Dosage Calculation. Tomorrow's exam is my first exam for Fundamentals of Nursing. It's on 20 chapters!!!!!! That's about 600-700 textbook pages, people. Then I have my first Skills Lab exam on Monday, and a second one on Wednesday. We'll be tested on basics like hand hygiene, bed making (and making an occupied bed), bed baths, positioning a client, transferring a client, preparing a sterile field, putting on personal protective equipment, etc and more advanced procedures (for a new nursing student) like inserting a catheter, nasogastric tube, cleansing and irrigating wounds and pressure ulcers. Some of the stuff may sound easy but even something like making a bed has a million steps that have to be completed in the exact order (at least for our exam purposes). It's going to be another week-end of non-stop studying. The good news is that I have had more time with Dorian than I thought I would AND we're a third of the way done with nursing boot camp. Roll on October 8th! Then I'll have 4 free days a week!!! Can you believe it? I mean, obviously, I'll need to study on some of those days but I'll have a bit more flexibility. I can do this. Wish me luck for tomorrow. I'll feel 100% confident about nursing school once I know I can pass all 3 types of exams (Drug Dosage Calculation, Nursing Fundamentals written exam, and Nursing Fundamentals skills lab exam). I can't believe I am going to be "working" in the hospital in 5 weeks!!!