Emotionally Drained

I am going to bed. I am so tired of all this up and down shit. I finally feel like I am getting things together, making new plans, accepting that things change, then something just knocks me down again. I feel so lucky to have Dorian and James. I love my family so much. But all this career/school shit is bullshit. I wish I could just win the lottery and travel all over the world with my family full-time. That's not me being lazy. I am anything but. I am so prepared to work hard...I put my all into whatever I am doing! I never give less than 100%. I am the ultimate over-achiever. I was shocked and devastated when I found out I was not passing the nursing program at Merritt. Then angry, no, LIVID, at the system. But I did everything right in pulling out before it was too late. Everything. And I still have to deal with the possibility of a black mark on my transcript. I just don't get it. I did everything right!!!! I work hard! I can't think anymore today. My head feels like it's going to explode and I am so tired of stressing. My eyes burn from crying. These past few weeks have really hit me hard today. All my plans. Changed. Possibly forever. Due to one fucking messed up, fraudulant school. I feel so cheated. My heart literally aches. You know the kind of upset I am talking about...the one you feel when someone close to you has died. I know I should keep thinking positively, and believe me, I have been. I have!!! I have been looking forward - enrolling in a CNA program, statistics, looking at other nursing schools. It just all feels so broken and shaken up that even if am able to get into the other program, do I really want to get $65K in debt, be majorly stressed for a year (accelerated program) and not see my family at all? But do I want to push it back another year or two and get even more in debt by going for the 2 year, less intensive program? Or do I take a year off and just work as a CNA to make a little money for our family and try to re-evaluate my life? But then Dorian is going to be like 7 or 8 before we have another kid (I certainly don't want another one now, but if school gets pushed back a couple years, it may be a long time before we have another one). I just feel like I had everything planned out and it's all been destroyed. I had it in my head that the community college route was the best way to go...cheapest, closest to home, least intensive. In the end, it stressed me out more than any accelerated program ever would. Even though I've been putting on a brave face for everyone and talking excitedly about my new plans, I feel crushed. I feel like the carpet has just been ripped out from under me. I don't know what I want to do. I really don't. Yes, I want to be a nurse. That has not changed. But I just don't know what to do in the short-term. I feel so confused. I really don't know if I want to go for another nursing program so soon. I know that sounds crazy. But I feel like it may be too much. It's so stressful looking into them right now, with all the entrance exams and essays and applications I have to do. And I have 1 month to do them in. Part of me thinks I should just take it easy for a year or so and work as a CNA. But then again, that's so much less money than I could be making as an RN so is that really the best thing for my family? Our meager savings is not going to last forever. I am so confused. And so angry, so angry at Merritt College. I have never been so furious or hurt in all my life. I feel really betrayed here. We've lost hundreds and hundreds of dollars. Months, possibly years in which I could have been working/going to a different school. All the energy and time I put into preparing for that school. This hurts even more than when my first love cheated on me. And believe me, I never thought anything could top that hurt. I wish there was something I could do to get back at the system. It is so fucked. I am so tired of all these emotions. I just want to be happy and carefree again. Life feels so unstable without a plan anymore. I know you can't plan your whole life, but I am one of those people who really needs to know what I'm doing. And now? I just don't even know what I want to do. I really don't. I feel so confused. So uncertain. And quite frankly, sad. I am feeling very sorry for myself at the moment. I am lucky Dorian is so cute...he really brightens my day. It's hard to be sad around him (thank god, because I would never want him to see me upset). I don't want to worry you guys - it's not like I'm going off the deep end or anything over here. Remember, it is really cathartic for me to write. I will be fine. I always am. I just feel so much uncertainty right now. It's suffocating me. I am going to bed.