My Boys

My new favorite picture...

Yay!

I aced my first exam...seriously, I think I may have got 100%! I'll be happy with anything over 90%, but unless I made some crazy stupid mistakes, I think I scored super high! That gives me a bit of breathing room for the next couple!

I feel so much better. I can do this! I'm going to be a nurse!

First Exam...

Tomorrow. I feel prepared. I feel relaxed. I feel ready for anything. Bring it on!

6 weeks to go!

Wow, 1 week down, 6 more to go. One of the instructors called this first part of nursing school "Boot Camp" and he's sure right about that. The good news is, it's already going by so quickly. 6 more weeks and I can breathe a bit easier. I've been studying loads. Leaving the house by 6am to study. Going to class. Studying during lunch. Getting home, studying at night. Studied all week-end. Study, study, study!

Luckily, The Worst Cold Ever is almost gone. I am feeling horribly sleep-deprived but we're doing sleep-training again and I'm going to sleep on the couch tonight, away from snoring husbands and crying babies. Maybe by next week we'll finally have a sleeping baby and my husband will magically start sleeping softly. One can dream, right?

Anyway, I am going to bed now, just thought I'd give you all a quick update. First exam on Friday!!!! Wow!!!! Intense.

School Update

I'm doing a bit better today, no thanks to the sleepless night. The cough syrup helped though because I didn't cough last night and today, I have my voice back. Still coughing up gunk today, blowing my nose every thirty seconds, and wishing my headache would go away, but I do feel better than I did yesterday. Looking forward to taking some more cough syrup once Dorian has gone to bed (can't nurse for 4-6 hours after taking it since it is a narcotic) and then going to bed early myself. James is away tonight so I won't have his nasal symphonies keeping me up either. Knowing my luck though, there will be something else!

I did manage to get a lot of reading done this morning before James left at 1pm and this afternoon while my parents watched Dorian. I am feeling good in terms of keeping up with the workload. There is A LOT of work to do, but I caught up after the first day and am already ahead which is where I want to stay. I plan to utilize my parents tomorrow too and study some more. They are going away for over a week so I think they're happy to cram in some Dori-time anyway.

I have a test every Friday until October 10th. It will alternate weeks - Drug Dosage Calculation one Friday, Nursing Fundamentals the next. Plus some lab skills tests in between. I need to have a 75% average in both classes by October 10th in order to go on to clinicals, which start the week of October 13th. Luckily, it is an average of all the exam scores so that's another reason I am trying to get ahead and cram in work now. Hopefully, I can ace the first couple exams while the material is slightly easier and less dense. Then I'll have a little bit more room for the more challenging sections - can you say "Fluids and Electrolytes?" EEK!!!! I am scared of that section, for sure! Apparently, that's the subject that often makes or breaks first-year nursing students.

My schedule:

Monday 8:30-12 Nursing Fundamentals Lecture
12-1 Lunch (or, Read-As-Much-As-You-Can-In-An-Hour Session)
1-3 Simulation Lab (practice skills on $300K life-like robot dolls!)
3-5 Computer Lab

Tuesday 8:30-12 Nursing Fundamentals Lecture

Wednesday 8:30-10:30 Drug Dosage Calculation
10:30-1 Read textbooks!!!!
1-3 Skills Lab
3-5 Skills Lab 2

Thursday 8:30-12 Nursing Fundamentals Lecture

Friday 8:30-10 Exam
10-12 Open Skills Lab

I also need to put in 2-3 hours at the gym each week (open entry/open exit class) so I will most likely do that on Tuesdays and Thursdays after lecture. I will then either stay on campus on Tuesdays and Thursdays and study, or go to a coffee shop/library and study. I will do the same on Fridays when James does not have a gig (about half of the Fridays this fall). If he does have a gig, then I will return home to watch the babe. I hope to be home by 5:30pm each day to put Dorian to bed. There will be some evenings I'll end up studying at home after he has gone to sleep, and some week-ends too (when James is home and/or I can get someone to babysit). There is a lot of work but really, I only need to go 7 weeks until some of the pressure is relieved. If I can just make it to the start of clinicals...yes, those will be incredibly challenging and soooo scary in their own way (um, hello, caring for a patient after only being in school for 2 months?!!!!), but at least the reading load will be much reduced and the fear of being kicked out of the program won't be as intense.

I've also met a lot of really nice people in the program...some of them I met earlier in the summer at orientation and was pleased they remembered me. I like other people and I like being liked, what can I say? I was really pleased when roll was called the first day (for all 103 of us!!!). My name was called and I said "here" from the back row (I was almost late the first day due to the parking pass machines being broken). Loads of people turned around and waved at me! It was so cool. I felt very popular. I have also been asked by 3 different people to be a part of their study groups. I love feeling the love. We're going to need each other's support the next 2 years. I am hoping to make some good friends, though obviously, that's not the priority right now. Focus on reading, Kelly, focus!

I can not believe I am finally here. I have been working toward this for the past 2.5years. It's really strange to finally be doing it. I must say, there is A LOT more to nursing than most people think. There is a lot more than I thought. In reading my textbook, I am kind of scared by all the things we need to know. Seriously. Nurses have to be geniuses!!!! We're expected to know everything from all disciplines - science (chemistry, biology, microbiology, anatomy and on and on and on), math, communication, psychology, sociology, anthropology, education and more. And all the things we'll have to do...all the interviewing, charting, and communicating with families and doctors in addition to all the pretty complicated nursing tasks we'll need to perform of course. And the pressure everyone will place on us and the importance of our role in shaping a patient's recovery and essentially, future. In addition, the textbook keeps going on about the nursing shortage and how hurried nurses are these days. But how they still have to make it seem like they care about each patient, no matter how rushed they are. I am actually quite glad to learn all of this. It seems like it really is going to be a job that will never get old and one that will constantly keep me on my toes and learning new things. And I am glad everyone keeps going on about the shortage - with this economy, it's nice to know I'll have job stability. Nursing is one profession that will never become obsolete. And all the knowledge we're expected to retain and be able to quickly apply in emergency situations? Well, I would hope so!!! We're dealing with people's lives.

Wouldn't you want your nurse to have gone through intense schooling and rigorous training? She could kill you by miscalculating your medicine dosage (happens all the time) or in some other way (of which I am sure there are many, but I haven't learned about all of them yet). You would want your nurse to be right up there with your doctor in terms of knowledge, right? I am proud to be on my way to becoming one of those nurses. I am so excited to have a career where I will really and truly make a difference in people's lives.

Snoring Partner

What do you do????? I am exhausted. I need a good night's sleep so fucking badly, it's not even funny. I have got a million and one pages to read for school and I am still really sick. I haven't slept well all week...well actually, all summer, but particularly the past few nights. Weird, considering James is home so you'd think I'd be more rested, with the extra help and all. I got some of the good cough syrup from my doctor today so my horrendous coughing wouldn't keep me up. It's the stuff with codeine that's supposed to really knock you out. It did. For about an hour and a half. Until James came to bed. Now he's there snoring away and even earplugs won't block him out. I have rolled him on his side, tried to wake him up, nothing. I tried to sleep on the couch (what I often do when he snores too loudly) but the neighbor next door has his tv blasting and I can't sleep there either. I tried to get James to move on to the couch but he gets really mean in his sleep. He just talks back to me and refuses to budge. This seems to be happening all too often. We've tried snoring sprays; they don't work. I know it's my problem, not his but if codeine can't knock me out and earplugs can't block the noise out, how the hell am I supposed to sleep???????????????????? If we didn't have the baby, I'd probably just go upstairs and sleep on my parents' couch but someone needs to hear and tend to the baby (since James doesn't wake up when Dori does). Why is sleep such an issue for me? I used to be an incredible sleeper - as a baby, throughout childhood, in college, in England. Then about 3 years ago, I turned into some weird sleep-disordered freak. It sucks. I need my sleep.

Excitement

Okay, I'm excited to be in school now! After my last post this morning, I plopped Dorian down on the bed and told James I was leaving. He'll get used to these early mornings. I forget that I've had a whole summer of them and he hasn't, so he's not used to the 5am alarm clock anymore. Plus, he has a cold too. I drove (yes, drove - I have a car now!) to Starbucks and studied for 2 hours. I felt very young again being without baby, wearing my cool new jeans and Payless shoes, carrying my new backpack with all my new school supplies and textbooks, drinking my Venti Decaf Nonfat Latte and eating my vegetarian spinach feta breakfast wrap. I was there so early I actually got one of the big comfy armchairs and personal reading lamp. I managed to get two chapters read, which made me just over half-way done with the reading assignment due at 8:30am. I then went to campus for the first official nursing lecture (yesterday was just orientation).

Lecture was great! It got me sooooo excited and revved up to be back in school. It was split into different parts, each one taught by a different instructor. Both instructors were amazing. I was also very pleased that they basically went over each chapter word for word, gave us written outlines and went through our study guide questions for each chapter. It will definitely help the reading stick more.

For those of you who are interested in what I've learned the past 2 days, read on. So far, we have read about and discussed the following:

1. Nursing history, practice, education, responsibilities & roles, professional nursing organizations, and future trends in nursing (enh...kinda interesting, kinda boring, kinda easy, kinda mindless, kinda nothing)
2. Health care & health insurance in the US (very interesting and really made me want to move back to the UK)
3. Community-based nursing practice, vulnerable populations, roles in community-based nursing, assessment, changing clients' health (fascinating)
4. Theoretical foundations of nursing practice (boring!!!)
5. Evidence-based practice (also boring!!!)
6. Health & Wellness (this is more like it!)
7. Caring in Nursing Practice (now we're getting somewhere!)

Normally, I'll have about 3 chapters to read a day, not 7. I guess they're still trying to weed out those of us who aren't ready for the program.

After lecture today, I came home for a bit around 1pm because my breasts had seriously quadrupled in size since I left the house at 6am. I'm trying to wean Dorian off the mid-day feeding because I really don't want to have to pump on campus - there's no place to do it and I don't have many breaks. I had to feed him a bit today because I was surely going to explode and when he saw me, he desperately started nuzzling my chest anyway. He's doing great without me and so happy to be with James again, so at least that's a worry I can cross of my list. I studied for 45 minutes at home while both boys napped, then left the house when Dorian awoke. I went back to Starbucks and studied for 2 more hours and came home. I gave Dorian a bath, giggled with him for a bit and then put him to bed. Then it was back to studying for another 1.5 hours. I have 1 chapter left from yesterday's reading assignment...I will complete this chapter in the morning before my Nursing Law & Ethics course at 8:30am tomorrow. Then I can start on next week's reading. Would you believe I already have an exam a week from tomorrow??? And so it begins! Very intense.

I'll post more on my classes and schedule this week-end. I need to go get some sleep now. This yucky cold is still affecting me big time but I chugged water and tea all day, drank hot soup, popped Tylenol and tried to think positively. I do feel better for it. Hopefully, this will be a short illness.

Still sick

I feel so sick. I got about 3 hours of broken sleep. I need to complete my reading assignment. Dorian woke up at 5am and he's hacking away too. I am trying to get my sick husband up to watch the baby so I can go study.

This sucks!!!! Anyone know of any quick remedies for a nasty cold? Like a magic pill I haven't heard of????

I'm sick

Well, nursing school went okay. I am relieved because at least it is not the unknown anymore. I feel like it is something I can probably do, though I'll be the most boring person ever for the next 2 years. There is soooooooooooooo much work to do over the next 10 weeks. Then we take an exam and if we pass that, we continue on with the program and start clinical rotations (hospital work) the following week. I have more reading assignments than I've ever had in my life. And I'm already behind. I'm so sick today. I feel like SHIT. My head is banging, I can only swallow soup and everytime I lay down I cough and cough. I was assigned 7 chapters to read by lecture tomorrow but could only manage 2. James is sick too and snoring away in bed. There's a band staying upstairs and for the second night in a row, they are being loud. And of course, my little baby keeps waking up.

I think I'll take another Tylenol and curl up on the sofa. I can't believe I'm already going to have to play catch up and nursing school has only been in session for 1 fucking day. I had only been sick once in 2 years (the last time was in England at Christmas)...I can not believe my bad luck. Is this a test or something?????

Tomorrow's the Big Day!

Okay, I suppose I'm getting a *little* excited now. I am excited for my new life to start. I am excited to have a life again. I am excited to go to campus, meet other smart people, study in the sunshine, drink too much tea, work-out in the gym, learn new things. I am excited, I admit it. But I am also very apprehensive. I have gone to school before. I have a high school diploma. I have a bachelor's degree. I have been taking prerequisites at a college for the past couple years. And still, I am way more apprehensive about nursing school than I've ever been about anything else before. More than starting another school or job, going to a voice or theater audition or performing in front of thousands of people. More than running a cross-country race. More than having my first ultrasound during my second pregnancy (after having a miscarriage the first time around). More than going into labor and childbirth. I guess it's good, right? I mean, nurses have to save lives!!!! I would hope that every single person going into a nursing program would be at least a little apprehensive. Nursing is a huge responsibility. Being apprehensive is normal, right? I hope I am making the right move here. I hope nursing suits me. It would be such a shame to have come this far only to find I don't actually like it, or worse, fail out of the program. I hope it all works out.

Splendid

Day before nursing school starts and I come down with a cold. Dorian was coughing yesterday but I assumed it was the teething. I feel like shit today. Sore throat (on fire!), stuffy nose, head banging, muscles aching. Apparently, James has a cold too so we can give our colds to each other when he returns and be sick for a couple weeks. Who the fuck gets colds in summer? Oh right, sleep-deprived, stressed-out vegetarians with babies. Let that be a lesson to you all.

Vegetarianism

I am finally going to take the plunge. I am going to become a full-fledged vegetarian. I eat a pretty much vegetarian diet anyway since James is one (he's been one for over ten years) and he does all the cooking. I eat meat when we go out or when I get the urge to buy luncheon meat or frozen Trader Joe's dinners with chicken. I have never been a huge red meat eater (except during pregnancy!) anyway. Though I did have my last burger on Friday - a special treat with my Dad.

The more I read about the environment and what we can do to help it, the more ashamed I am to eat meat. I am not even going to begin to going into it here, but if you have any interest in keeping the human race alive (not to mention other animals, obviously), I urge you to do some research. It's terrifying and so sad. If everyone cut back on their meat consumption, the planet would be a much healthier place.

I want Dorian's great grandchildren to see the planet in all its glory. I want them to to be able to breathe without oxygen masks and walk outside their homes. I want them to have learned from our mistakes. I want them to be better human beings than we are. I want them to be able to lead healthy, happy, long lives.

If we keep going the way we're going, the planet will be destroyed and every species on it extinct before too long. It scares the life out me. So, I am taking yet another baby step in becoming a better human. James and I recycle, use green lightbulbs, try not to drive too much. We do many little things. I figure, vegetarianism is just one more thing I can do to try and stop the destruction of our planet.

Now I really am going to have to start eating more vegetables when James is gone! And organic ones at that, and preferably produce purchased at a local farmer's market. Otherwise, it kind of defeats the whole purpose here!

I am so tired

I don't know how much more of this I can take. I am so fucking tired right now. Dorian has been screaming for the past hour. He's been changed, nursed, rocked, given Motrin, and he just keeps crying. I am so fucking sick of having a baby who won't sleep. I am fucking sick of being on my own with a baby. I am so fucking tired of having to do this all on my own. I am absolutely terrified for nursing school to start in 2 days. I wish I could defer. It's too late now. I should have deferred. I am fucking terrified I am going to fail. I am so god damn fucking tired. How the hell am I going to study and pass classes and save lives if I am not rested? Why the fuck won't my baby sleep???????????????????????????????????????? I always thought I'd want a lot of kids, but I gotta tell you, I'm not sure I want them anymore. I can't have a baby who doesn't sleep and be home caring for him on my own. I can't do this anymore. I just can't. James should be back in 2-3 days. Then it's snoring I'll have to worry about. And still the lack of sleep. And nursing school. Did I mention how fucking terrified I am? At least I'll get a good meal. I haven't had any vegetables, apart from baby carrots, since he left! I really need to eat better when he's gone. I am so tired. I am so god damn tired. I really don't know how I thought I could have a baby and do nursing school. I just assumed the baby would be sleeping by 10 months old. I don't know anyone else with a baby who sleeps this poorly. I really don't. I am going to fail. I am so worried I am going to fail. I wish I had deferred.

Facebook

I don't care what anyone says about the evils of networking sites like Friendster, Facebook, My Space, etc. Facebook has given me a social life again. Seriously. I have found so many old friends from elementary, middle and high school, San Francisco Girls' Chorus, UC Santa Barbara and from jobs I've held over the past several years (in England, too!) I have met up with maybe a dozen or so people I have reconnected with on Facebook. I have friends who have volunteered to help out and babysit Dorian this fall. I get to communicate with over a hundred friends on a daily basis. I have so much support at the moment. I was really getting bummed about how hard it was to meet people since leaving college. James and I have lived in the Bay Area now for 4 years and I was feeling like I still only had a handful of acquaintances and a couple friends from the accounting firm. Now, I feel like I have more friends than I know what to do with. It's a wonderful feeling. I am so grateful for Facebook! Everyone should check it out.

Payless Shoes

Okay, I'm in love. I just bought two new very cool pairs of shoes from Payless. I adore them. I take back every snobby comment I've ever made to James for shopping there. They are perfect for nursing school and babycare. Extremely comfortable. And so cute. Just look at them! You know you want a pair.

One of the pairs is made by Airwalk, which is quite a decent brand. They seem well made. And they were soooooo cheap. Like $4 (on sale). I can't believe it. Why did I laugh at Payless before? See, I'm already one step closer to becoming a better Kelly! Of course, they probably enslave children in sweatshops in Cambodia, but hey, at least the shoes are cheap for Americans. Go Payless!

I'm an adult, right?

I am tired of people telling me what to do and what not to do. I am an adult. I am truly an adult now. I have been waiting for years to finally feel like an adult and I think I finally am. I am married with a baby. I have a good head on my shoulders and I pay all my own bills. True, I don't own my own home or even have a proper job yet but I think most people would see me as "grown-up." So why do people still feel the need to advise me and criticize me? A friend left a comment on Crockbaby and it got me thinking...she's right, how dare other people tell me how to parent my child??? I'm not talking about a minor piece of wisdom here or there or well-meaning words from friends, but how dare some stranger on the street tell me to put a sunhat on my baby (yes, this has happened twice!) or to give him a pacifier!!!! How dare someone tell me that I am being inconsistent by pulling my baby in to bed when he cries. Excuse me, who is Dorian's mother?

Family members are the worst. I love my entire extended family but there were definitely some limits/rules that had to be set when Dorian was born. And yet, lines are crossed all the time. A baby is supposed to make a family stronger and I feel like so often, it just creates issues with those I love. A family member criticized me for starting a new blog just so I could complain this morning and that infuriated me...how DARE someone criticize me for complaining on my OWN blog???? (And no, it wasn't one of my parents.) I told this family member that if he/she didn't like me complaining, he/she didn't have to read it. Isn't that the point of blogs? You can write what you want and people who want to read them can, and those who don't, don't. It's really quite simple. How dare someone tell me I can't complain on my own blog???? That's why I started my own so I wouldn't be complaining on Dorian's! I just can't win! ARGH!!!!

Got sleep?

Sleep training. And so it begins. Again. For like the 500 billion thousandth time. I love my son to death. Truly. There has never lived a more gifted, beautiful, ideal child. He is perfection. Apart from one little thing. One thing that shouldn't matter. One minute part of who he is. Why does this one thing seem to be the most important thing at the moment? Oh, right. Because we need sleep to survive!!! Humans can't live without sleep. I am not a medical professional yet, but I would be inclined to say we could probably survive longer without food than without sleep.

I am so sick of being a stay-at-home mom. It has gotten to the point where I almost hate it. Let me remind you that I love my son. Loving him and hating staying at home with him are two very different things. I often wonder if I would be happy being a stay-at-home mom if I got sleep. And if he got sleep. I am domestic. I don't cook, but I clean, organize, do laundry, make a house pretty. I love all the baby-care related tasks - feeding him, bathing him, etc. I like walks every day and grocery shopping. I could probably get into cooking if I had more time to explore it. I certainly enjoy baking. And eating! I was surprised the stay-at-home mother role didn't seem to suit me more. I honestly think it's because I'm so tired I don't have the patience to deal with a fussy baby or yet another day of carrying him around because he refuses to be put down or spending 5 hours trying to get him to take one 30 minute nap.

It makes me sad. If I had a baby who slept, this year could have been very different. I hope I have given Dorian a good enough start in life this year. I had all these plans to take him to the park every day and go to the beach and take lots of baby activity classes but due to exhaustion on both our parts, it just hasn't happened. I really hope I didn't mess it up for him. I am so glad James is taking over parenting next week. I have never needed a break more. I know nursing school won't be a break, but I'm hoping it will feel like one in a way. And this is coming from the girl who worked 3 years straight without a vacation. This is the girl who worked 50 hours a week, while taking 3 classes, one month after going through a miscarriage during the fall of 2006. This is the girl who gets mad at herself if she doesn't accomplish something each day and doesn't have a plan for the future. I am not a lazy person. It seems odd to me that one year of stay-at-home parenting could exhaust me this much. I need a vacation. Badly.

A Better Me

Welcome! Most of you have already visited my other blog: Crockbaby! Crockbaby was started to chronicle my pregnancy and the adventures of my son, Dorian. Over the past year, I've realized it has become extremely cathartic for me to write. I love it! I have also noticed that many of my blogs on Crockbaby are not actually about Dorian. I know we all lead busy lives. And I know many of Dorian's followers probably aren't interested in hearing about mine. No offense taken, don't worry. I know all the cousins and aunts and grandparents and friends of James (Dori's daddy) just want to get online and have a quick look at pictures of the little boy and perhaps read an abbreviated update on his walking and talking progress. They don't want to read through my excessive complaints about my lack of sleep or anxiety over the start of nursing school. And if they do, well, now they can come here! To my new blog. Dedicated to the "Complaints of Kelly Crocker." No, seriously, I am trying to become a better person. Pre-Dorian, I lead a life that was very much about me. I still have remnants of that selfishness. I miss my sleep. I miss my body and youthful good looks. You think I'm joking here, but no, I'm serious. Is it a bad thing to miss aspects of your old life and still be happy in your new one? I sometimes wonder what I would be doing if I hadn't decided to aim toward a sensible career and have a baby at 27. No regrets, just curiosity. I want to be the best mother I can be. I want to grow as a person, learn all that I possibly can during this short time on Earth, and help others in every way I can. I am eager to become a good nurse, I want to start doing more for the planet, and once we have some money behind us, I would love to research and support more charities. Maybe even start our own foundation or two! Motherhood (and yes, sleep deprivation!) are "forcing" me to learn more about myself every day. I am trying here. I am trying very hard. I am trying to become a better Kelly.