Thursday, January 29, 2009
I think we can finally say it!
Dorian is officially weaned. Woohoo!!!! 80 hours and counting! Last night was horrendous...he woke every 45 minutes. It was horrible, and I am still so rundown and weak with this cold. Definitely been a rough few days for me. But, hey, it's been worth it. Dorian didn't even try to nurse last night. Not once. And he drank whole milk! About 12 ounces of it from his sippy cup throughout the night! And didn't make a run for the kitchen for cottage cheese. This is huge!!! And while he woke often, it didn't take too long to get him back to sleep each time. We'll work on it. We'll let him settle a bit after this weaning episode, then we will re-focus on his sleeping habits.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
The 3 W's: Weaning, Work, Weight
50 hours and counting! Last night was better that the night before - he woke less, cried less, didn't even try to nurse! He still had cottage cheese in the middle of the night - how are we going to break that habit if it becomes one? He refused whole milk all night long. Even with chocolate syrup and warmed up. I guess having to go the kitchen one time a night to feed him is easier than having to nurse every couple hours, but it's not ideal. Ideas? Is there some kind of milky cottage-cheesy smoothy drink he'd love in the middle of the night?
I am even sicker today...just phoned my doctor for some cough syrup. I was up coughing all night long and I have the achey diaphragm, weak body feeling going on. I sound like I have been smoking 10 packs a day my whole life combined with shouting at a rock concert 7 nights in a row. Needless to say, I had to phone in sick to work. Great...my second week back and I have already missed 2 days due to illness (missed Day 1 last week due to the stomach bug). Luckily, I'm not trying to impress them or keep this job long-term or anything but I still hate letting people down. And because I'm a temporary/contract employee, I don't get sick pay so that sucks too. Actually, it makes me feel better about letting my employers down (at least they're not shelling out money for me to stay in bed) but James and I could really use the cash right now.
Ho hum. In other news, I keep chowing down on ice cream so don't think I've lost anymore weight with this illness. I want to apologize for going on about weight loss in the last post. I used to HATE people who lost weight without trying. I always thought it was so unfair. Even if people lost the weight due to stress, illness, etc, I was always so fucking jealous of them. I couldn't imagine losing weight without trying - it's always been such a struggle for me to maintain a figure I'm happy with. And yet, now I've become one of these hated people and realize some of my friends and family may be sticking pins and needles in my voodoo doll right now. The only thing I can say is, have a baby! Nurse a toddler half your size (he is 33 inches tall now, I am only 62!), round the clock...that should do the trick. I was always so skeptical when mothers were skinnier after having babies. You know, Victoria Beckham and Kelly Ripa are always saying they're so skinny due to having children. I always thought, "Right, that's a cover-up for anorexia and plastic surgery." That doesn't actually happen, right? Well, it appears it does for some reason. It's really odd. Please don't hate me. I am sure my metabolism will slow down again once the hormones are completely out of my body and the stress of tax season followed by nursing school will make me eat more again. I am one of those people who usually eats more in times of stress, not less. I would put money on the fact that I'll put on weight in the next year and then be back at the same place as all you guys. While it's been nice to be so thin and able to eat whatever I want for the first time in my life, I do miss the self-loathing and camaraderie that comes with being hopeless at sticking to a diet and not liking yourself in a swimsuit. I'll be back soon, I promise. We can all have a party with bowls of cookie dough, bottles of Coke, celebrity gossip magazines and plenty of opportunity for crying about our bodies and pinching our belly fat. Just like old times!
I am even sicker today...just phoned my doctor for some cough syrup. I was up coughing all night long and I have the achey diaphragm, weak body feeling going on. I sound like I have been smoking 10 packs a day my whole life combined with shouting at a rock concert 7 nights in a row. Needless to say, I had to phone in sick to work. Great...my second week back and I have already missed 2 days due to illness (missed Day 1 last week due to the stomach bug). Luckily, I'm not trying to impress them or keep this job long-term or anything but I still hate letting people down. And because I'm a temporary/contract employee, I don't get sick pay so that sucks too. Actually, it makes me feel better about letting my employers down (at least they're not shelling out money for me to stay in bed) but James and I could really use the cash right now.
Ho hum. In other news, I keep chowing down on ice cream so don't think I've lost anymore weight with this illness. I want to apologize for going on about weight loss in the last post. I used to HATE people who lost weight without trying. I always thought it was so unfair. Even if people lost the weight due to stress, illness, etc, I was always so fucking jealous of them. I couldn't imagine losing weight without trying - it's always been such a struggle for me to maintain a figure I'm happy with. And yet, now I've become one of these hated people and realize some of my friends and family may be sticking pins and needles in my voodoo doll right now. The only thing I can say is, have a baby! Nurse a toddler half your size (he is 33 inches tall now, I am only 62!), round the clock...that should do the trick. I was always so skeptical when mothers were skinnier after having babies. You know, Victoria Beckham and Kelly Ripa are always saying they're so skinny due to having children. I always thought, "Right, that's a cover-up for anorexia and plastic surgery." That doesn't actually happen, right? Well, it appears it does for some reason. It's really odd. Please don't hate me. I am sure my metabolism will slow down again once the hormones are completely out of my body and the stress of tax season followed by nursing school will make me eat more again. I am one of those people who usually eats more in times of stress, not less. I would put money on the fact that I'll put on weight in the next year and then be back at the same place as all you guys. While it's been nice to be so thin and able to eat whatever I want for the first time in my life, I do miss the self-loathing and camaraderie that comes with being hopeless at sticking to a diet and not liking yourself in a swimsuit. I'll be back soon, I promise. We can all have a party with bowls of cookie dough, bottles of Coke, celebrity gossip magazines and plenty of opportunity for crying about our bodies and pinching our belly fat. Just like old times!
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Another bad week
Boy, these bad weeks just coming one after the other. Surely I'm due a break soon. After returning from a jet-lagged 3 weeks in England with no sleep, and then getting over the stomach flu last week, I have now picked up a cold. My throat feels like it is ON FIRE and it kills to swallow. At this rate, I'm going to waste away into nothing. First I can't eat due to a stomach bug, now this. I am chowing down on ice cream and full-fat cream top yogurt at the moment.
I felt okay yesterday, just had a sore throat. I went to work; I assumed it was just fatigue. My throat often hurts when I don't get enough sleep. However, by the end of the day, my throat was killing me. I had planned to stay at the office to study for a few hours, but decided to come straight home instead. James and I talked when I returned home and decided to start weaning Dori from his night feedings. He's been off the daytime ones for a week now. I don't work on Tuesdays, so we thought last night would be a good night to start since we're both home today. Then tomorrow I'm at work again, but we thought I could actually just stay overnight with a friend in Half Moon Bay since I work Thursday as well. Less of a commute for me for those 2 days, I can get more studying done Wednesday night, and James can "deal" with Dorian that night. That would be my first night apart from Dorian and could be the final test of weaning.
Last night was pretty awful, but I managed to get through it without nursing Dorian. It has now been 27 hours since he last nursed (I have had to pump twice - probably should have done more, but I waited until milk was gushing from me). There was a lot of crying, a lot of screaming, a lot of kicking, back arching, pulling at my shirt and slobbering at my chest but we didn't nurse. I was the one to go into Dorian's room everytime for several reasons. First of all, James doesn't tend to wake up until Dorian has been crying for several minutes. By that time, I'm already holding and rocking Dorian and I don't want James to take him from me because my biggest fear with this weaning thing is that Dorian will think I'm abandoning him. Particularly since I am gone during the day too...he must be so confused! So I sang to him (with my ever-growing hoarse voice), rocked him, rubbed his back and even managed to get him to drink a bit of cow's milk out of a sippy sup. He also ran into the kitchen at 1am and tried to open the fridge. When I opened it for him, he pulled out the cottage cheese and ate about a cup's worth! Since stopping the daytime nursings, James and I have noticed he eats cottage cheese about every hour - he goes to the fridge, pulls on the door and whines until we open it. When we open it, he grabs the cottage cheese, pulls it out and then whines until we open it and feed him some. He doesn't drink milk, but cottage cheese is obviously his replacement for breast milk. I suppose it works...we get the full fat kind so there's lots of protein, calcium and obviously, fat, just like milk.
Anyway, I got about 3 hours of sleep and my cold is horrendous this morning. Snotty nose and throat, pain in throat and ears. No fun. And I have to work tomorrow and Thursday. And I have got 18 (yes, 18 - WTF?!!!!!) chapters to read by Sunday, 2 case studies to complete, a quiz and an exam to take by Friday!!!! It's going to be a really, really shitty few days here.
But, it looks like this is going to be it for Dori and his boobies. I don't think there's any going back. James said to me at 4am this morning, "Kel, you can nurse him if you want." And I thought, "FUCK NO! I have not just spent hours and hours of avoiding nursing him to cave in 2 hours before the night is due to end. No fucking way am I starting over again." We have learned our lesson too many times with sleep training. I am not giving up with the weaning this time. I have loved nursing my son, but it is time. I am so over it. My body has really taken a toll recently. I am too skinny. I am too tired. My skin is horrible. My psoriasis is back. I think my immune system is shot. It's no wonder. I have this toddler, and quite a large one at that (95th percentile for height!!!!), wanting to nurse every couple hours and his nutritional needs are so much greater than those of a baby. My boobs were rock hard, ready to explode, both times I went to pump. It's obvious that boy has been taking a lot out of me recently. I need to focus on keeping myself healthy. If all goes as planned, it's going to be quite the intense year for me. I am not going to have made it this far (hopefully getting into the nursing program) to crash and burn because my immune system is so shot I can't handle the "stress."
We are really hoping weaning Dorian will change his sleep habits too...maybe he won't wake as much because he won't expect a "milkshake" every hour? If, in a couple weeks after he's weaned, he's still not sleeping better, we're going to consider hiring a sleep consultant to help us out. I need this kid sleeping by May if I do get into this nursing program. There's only so much one can do without sleep. I have never been one of those people who loses weight unintentionally. Seriously...I have had years of issues with my weight. Up and down, up and down (up unintentionally, down intentionally obviously). This is the first time in my life that weight has just dropped off me uncontrollably. I eat ice cream every day. I have mochas twice a day sometimes. Lots of snacks and desserts. Full-fat yogurt, cottage cheese, cheese. I consciously try to eat more than usual (which has already been a lot more than I could ever eat before since nursing Dorian - one of the reasons I have loved nursing). Something must not be right if I keep losing weight. That just doesn't happen to me. It is obvious to me that stress, fatigue and Dorian's nursing antics are just sucking the life out of me. Quite literally. And now I have gotten sick twice in a week. I don't normally get sick that often. Fuck, I hadn't had the stomach flu since I was about 8! Needless to say, James and I decided it would be best to get that boy off the boob!!! He needs a living mother, not a legend (I know, I'm full of myself, right?)
Anyway, I love my life. I really, really do. I am so lucky. I know that. I have luck oozing out of me. So many things in my life do tend to fall into place. I have always had a good life. I really wouldn't change it, or any piece of my past either. I think that's probably why it is so hard when things don't go my way. I'm not used to it. ;) It's been a really tough few months. Thanks for letting me vent.
I felt okay yesterday, just had a sore throat. I went to work; I assumed it was just fatigue. My throat often hurts when I don't get enough sleep. However, by the end of the day, my throat was killing me. I had planned to stay at the office to study for a few hours, but decided to come straight home instead. James and I talked when I returned home and decided to start weaning Dori from his night feedings. He's been off the daytime ones for a week now. I don't work on Tuesdays, so we thought last night would be a good night to start since we're both home today. Then tomorrow I'm at work again, but we thought I could actually just stay overnight with a friend in Half Moon Bay since I work Thursday as well. Less of a commute for me for those 2 days, I can get more studying done Wednesday night, and James can "deal" with Dorian that night. That would be my first night apart from Dorian and could be the final test of weaning.
Last night was pretty awful, but I managed to get through it without nursing Dorian. It has now been 27 hours since he last nursed (I have had to pump twice - probably should have done more, but I waited until milk was gushing from me). There was a lot of crying, a lot of screaming, a lot of kicking, back arching, pulling at my shirt and slobbering at my chest but we didn't nurse. I was the one to go into Dorian's room everytime for several reasons. First of all, James doesn't tend to wake up until Dorian has been crying for several minutes. By that time, I'm already holding and rocking Dorian and I don't want James to take him from me because my biggest fear with this weaning thing is that Dorian will think I'm abandoning him. Particularly since I am gone during the day too...he must be so confused! So I sang to him (with my ever-growing hoarse voice), rocked him, rubbed his back and even managed to get him to drink a bit of cow's milk out of a sippy sup. He also ran into the kitchen at 1am and tried to open the fridge. When I opened it for him, he pulled out the cottage cheese and ate about a cup's worth! Since stopping the daytime nursings, James and I have noticed he eats cottage cheese about every hour - he goes to the fridge, pulls on the door and whines until we open it. When we open it, he grabs the cottage cheese, pulls it out and then whines until we open it and feed him some. He doesn't drink milk, but cottage cheese is obviously his replacement for breast milk. I suppose it works...we get the full fat kind so there's lots of protein, calcium and obviously, fat, just like milk.
Anyway, I got about 3 hours of sleep and my cold is horrendous this morning. Snotty nose and throat, pain in throat and ears. No fun. And I have to work tomorrow and Thursday. And I have got 18 (yes, 18 - WTF?!!!!!) chapters to read by Sunday, 2 case studies to complete, a quiz and an exam to take by Friday!!!! It's going to be a really, really shitty few days here.
But, it looks like this is going to be it for Dori and his boobies. I don't think there's any going back. James said to me at 4am this morning, "Kel, you can nurse him if you want." And I thought, "FUCK NO! I have not just spent hours and hours of avoiding nursing him to cave in 2 hours before the night is due to end. No fucking way am I starting over again." We have learned our lesson too many times with sleep training. I am not giving up with the weaning this time. I have loved nursing my son, but it is time. I am so over it. My body has really taken a toll recently. I am too skinny. I am too tired. My skin is horrible. My psoriasis is back. I think my immune system is shot. It's no wonder. I have this toddler, and quite a large one at that (95th percentile for height!!!!), wanting to nurse every couple hours and his nutritional needs are so much greater than those of a baby. My boobs were rock hard, ready to explode, both times I went to pump. It's obvious that boy has been taking a lot out of me recently. I need to focus on keeping myself healthy. If all goes as planned, it's going to be quite the intense year for me. I am not going to have made it this far (hopefully getting into the nursing program) to crash and burn because my immune system is so shot I can't handle the "stress."
We are really hoping weaning Dorian will change his sleep habits too...maybe he won't wake as much because he won't expect a "milkshake" every hour? If, in a couple weeks after he's weaned, he's still not sleeping better, we're going to consider hiring a sleep consultant to help us out. I need this kid sleeping by May if I do get into this nursing program. There's only so much one can do without sleep. I have never been one of those people who loses weight unintentionally. Seriously...I have had years of issues with my weight. Up and down, up and down (up unintentionally, down intentionally obviously). This is the first time in my life that weight has just dropped off me uncontrollably. I eat ice cream every day. I have mochas twice a day sometimes. Lots of snacks and desserts. Full-fat yogurt, cottage cheese, cheese. I consciously try to eat more than usual (which has already been a lot more than I could ever eat before since nursing Dorian - one of the reasons I have loved nursing). Something must not be right if I keep losing weight. That just doesn't happen to me. It is obvious to me that stress, fatigue and Dorian's nursing antics are just sucking the life out of me. Quite literally. And now I have gotten sick twice in a week. I don't normally get sick that often. Fuck, I hadn't had the stomach flu since I was about 8! Needless to say, James and I decided it would be best to get that boy off the boob!!! He needs a living mother, not a legend (I know, I'm full of myself, right?)
Anyway, I love my life. I really, really do. I am so lucky. I know that. I have luck oozing out of me. So many things in my life do tend to fall into place. I have always had a good life. I really wouldn't change it, or any piece of my past either. I think that's probably why it is so hard when things don't go my way. I'm not used to it. ;) It's been a really tough few months. Thanks for letting me vent.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Work, Stomach Bugs and Weaning
Back to work tomorrow. I will likely work 3 long days a week until March, then full-time (5-6 days) until the end of tax season. I've had enough time off - 17 months! It's time for me to bring home the bacon, especially since I will hopefully be in school full-time soon.
I was supposed to start Monday but I was still getting over a nasty stomach bug. The whole family had it (we gave it to my parents too). Oh, it was horrible. I lost 7 pounds and am just now able to stomach something other than dry toast. It's been 4 days! I look awful. It would have been a great diet for losing the baby weight about 6 months ago but I really didn't need it right now. I look like the walking dead. Luckily, I am going back to work at an accounting firm, not a modeling agency or anything.
We're finally working on properly weaning Dorian but of course, it's been tough since he had the stomach flu. We had to put it on hold (AGAIN) for a few days. I haven't nursed him at all during the day for the past couple days. I went 12+ hours both days and my boobs survived too. I'm relieved. I REALLY didn't want to have to pump at work again...it's such a drag and there's no real private area to do it in. Nights have been trickier. Dori is sooooo used to nursing himself to sleep. So we're focusing on the daytimes right now since I will still be around at night. He did manage to fall asleep last night without nursing, but tonight he cried for 2 hours so I finally gave in and nursed him to sleep. At least 2 hours of crying would buy me time to get home from work...I shouldn't be back home too much later than 7:30pm each day.
And so we persevere. Being a parent is hard. Really hard. I'm having second thoughts about wanting more children. I love my child to death, but I don't know if I'll have the strength to deal with all this again (and by this, I mean the sleepless nights, insane jet lag, sleep training, bottle refusal, pacifier refusal, attachment to nursing, refusal to wean, screaming for hours on end, etc). Dorian is an amazing child and I wouldn't change him for the world but I can't say he's been easy. Quite the opposite actually. Having a child really makes you wish you were born with more patience.
I was supposed to start Monday but I was still getting over a nasty stomach bug. The whole family had it (we gave it to my parents too). Oh, it was horrible. I lost 7 pounds and am just now able to stomach something other than dry toast. It's been 4 days! I look awful. It would have been a great diet for losing the baby weight about 6 months ago but I really didn't need it right now. I look like the walking dead. Luckily, I am going back to work at an accounting firm, not a modeling agency or anything.
We're finally working on properly weaning Dorian but of course, it's been tough since he had the stomach flu. We had to put it on hold (AGAIN) for a few days. I haven't nursed him at all during the day for the past couple days. I went 12+ hours both days and my boobs survived too. I'm relieved. I REALLY didn't want to have to pump at work again...it's such a drag and there's no real private area to do it in. Nights have been trickier. Dori is sooooo used to nursing himself to sleep. So we're focusing on the daytimes right now since I will still be around at night. He did manage to fall asleep last night without nursing, but tonight he cried for 2 hours so I finally gave in and nursed him to sleep. At least 2 hours of crying would buy me time to get home from work...I shouldn't be back home too much later than 7:30pm each day.
And so we persevere. Being a parent is hard. Really hard. I'm having second thoughts about wanting more children. I love my child to death, but I don't know if I'll have the strength to deal with all this again (and by this, I mean the sleepless nights, insane jet lag, sleep training, bottle refusal, pacifier refusal, attachment to nursing, refusal to wean, screaming for hours on end, etc). Dorian is an amazing child and I wouldn't change him for the world but I can't say he's been easy. Quite the opposite actually. Having a child really makes you wish you were born with more patience.
Friday, January 16, 2009
Nursing School Update
I am working really hard in my last two nursing prerequisites (for the Accelerated BSN program): Pathophysiology and Pharmacology. They are online courses through Samuel Merritt, the nursing school I have applied for, and they are TOUGH. But I love them. I keep surprising myself with my interest in all things related to nursing. This truly is my calling. I never thought I'd enjoy studying the hard sciences again but Pharmacology and Pathophysiology are all about chemistry and biology. I have been studing Fluid & Electrolytes and Acid/Base Balance this week, the notorious "Make or Break" section in most nursing courses. I LOVE IT!!!!! I am fascinated by the topic and while it is challenging to completely understand everything related to the subject, it is not impossible. I am so thrilled I have finally found something that excites me in life! I feel like I have been searching for something for years and this is it. I will hear if I get into the program by the end of February. If I do, it will be a super intense year starting May 26th, but I can't wait. I can't think of anything more fun. I am so happy to be using my brain again!
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