Another bad week

Boy, these bad weeks just coming one after the other. Surely I'm due a break soon. After returning from a jet-lagged 3 weeks in England with no sleep, and then getting over the stomach flu last week, I have now picked up a cold. My throat feels like it is ON FIRE and it kills to swallow. At this rate, I'm going to waste away into nothing. First I can't eat due to a stomach bug, now this. I am chowing down on ice cream and full-fat cream top yogurt at the moment.

I felt okay yesterday, just had a sore throat. I went to work; I assumed it was just fatigue. My throat often hurts when I don't get enough sleep. However, by the end of the day, my throat was killing me. I had planned to stay at the office to study for a few hours, but decided to come straight home instead. James and I talked when I returned home and decided to start weaning Dori from his night feedings. He's been off the daytime ones for a week now. I don't work on Tuesdays, so we thought last night would be a good night to start since we're both home today. Then tomorrow I'm at work again, but we thought I could actually just stay overnight with a friend in Half Moon Bay since I work Thursday as well. Less of a commute for me for those 2 days, I can get more studying done Wednesday night, and James can "deal" with Dorian that night. That would be my first night apart from Dorian and could be the final test of weaning.

Last night was pretty awful, but I managed to get through it without nursing Dorian. It has now been 27 hours since he last nursed (I have had to pump twice - probably should have done more, but I waited until milk was gushing from me). There was a lot of crying, a lot of screaming, a lot of kicking, back arching, pulling at my shirt and slobbering at my chest but we didn't nurse. I was the one to go into Dorian's room everytime for several reasons. First of all, James doesn't tend to wake up until Dorian has been crying for several minutes. By that time, I'm already holding and rocking Dorian and I don't want James to take him from me because my biggest fear with this weaning thing is that Dorian will think I'm abandoning him. Particularly since I am gone during the day too...he must be so confused! So I sang to him (with my ever-growing hoarse voice), rocked him, rubbed his back and even managed to get him to drink a bit of cow's milk out of a sippy sup. He also ran into the kitchen at 1am and tried to open the fridge. When I opened it for him, he pulled out the cottage cheese and ate about a cup's worth! Since stopping the daytime nursings, James and I have noticed he eats cottage cheese about every hour - he goes to the fridge, pulls on the door and whines until we open it. When we open it, he grabs the cottage cheese, pulls it out and then whines until we open it and feed him some. He doesn't drink milk, but cottage cheese is obviously his replacement for breast milk. I suppose it works...we get the full fat kind so there's lots of protein, calcium and obviously, fat, just like milk.

Anyway, I got about 3 hours of sleep and my cold is horrendous this morning. Snotty nose and throat, pain in throat and ears. No fun. And I have to work tomorrow and Thursday. And I have got 18 (yes, 18 - WTF?!!!!!) chapters to read by Sunday, 2 case studies to complete, a quiz and an exam to take by Friday!!!! It's going to be a really, really shitty few days here.

But, it looks like this is going to be it for Dori and his boobies. I don't think there's any going back. James said to me at 4am this morning, "Kel, you can nurse him if you want." And I thought, "FUCK NO! I have not just spent hours and hours of avoiding nursing him to cave in 2 hours before the night is due to end. No fucking way am I starting over again." We have learned our lesson too many times with sleep training. I am not giving up with the weaning this time. I have loved nursing my son, but it is time. I am so over it. My body has really taken a toll recently. I am too skinny. I am too tired. My skin is horrible. My psoriasis is back. I think my immune system is shot. It's no wonder. I have this toddler, and quite a large one at that (95th percentile for height!!!!), wanting to nurse every couple hours and his nutritional needs are so much greater than those of a baby. My boobs were rock hard, ready to explode, both times I went to pump. It's obvious that boy has been taking a lot out of me recently. I need to focus on keeping myself healthy. If all goes as planned, it's going to be quite the intense year for me. I am not going to have made it this far (hopefully getting into the nursing program) to crash and burn because my immune system is so shot I can't handle the "stress."

We are really hoping weaning Dorian will change his sleep habits too...maybe he won't wake as much because he won't expect a "milkshake" every hour? If, in a couple weeks after he's weaned, he's still not sleeping better, we're going to consider hiring a sleep consultant to help us out. I need this kid sleeping by May if I do get into this nursing program. There's only so much one can do without sleep. I have never been one of those people who loses weight unintentionally. Seriously...I have had years of issues with my weight. Up and down, up and down (up unintentionally, down intentionally obviously). This is the first time in my life that weight has just dropped off me uncontrollably. I eat ice cream every day. I have mochas twice a day sometimes. Lots of snacks and desserts. Full-fat yogurt, cottage cheese, cheese. I consciously try to eat more than usual (which has already been a lot more than I could ever eat before since nursing Dorian - one of the reasons I have loved nursing). Something must not be right if I keep losing weight. That just doesn't happen to me. It is obvious to me that stress, fatigue and Dorian's nursing antics are just sucking the life out of me. Quite literally. And now I have gotten sick twice in a week. I don't normally get sick that often. Fuck, I hadn't had the stomach flu since I was about 8! Needless to say, James and I decided it would be best to get that boy off the boob!!! He needs a living mother, not a legend (I know, I'm full of myself, right?)

Anyway, I love my life. I really, really do. I am so lucky. I know that. I have luck oozing out of me. So many things in my life do tend to fall into place. I have always had a good life. I really wouldn't change it, or any piece of my past either. I think that's probably why it is so hard when things don't go my way. I'm not used to it. ;) It's been a really tough few months. Thanks for letting me vent.