Sleep training. And so it begins. Again. For like the 500 billion thousandth time. I love my son to death. Truly. There has never lived a more gifted, beautiful, ideal child. He is perfection. Apart from one little thing. One thing that shouldn't matter. One minute part of who he is. Why does this one thing seem to be the most important thing at the moment? Oh, right. Because we need sleep to survive!!! Humans can't live without sleep. I am not a medical professional yet, but I would be inclined to say we could probably survive longer without food than without sleep.
I am so sick of being a stay-at-home mom. It has gotten to the point where I almost hate it. Let me remind you that I love my son. Loving him and hating staying at home with him are two very different things. I often wonder if I would be happy being a stay-at-home mom if I got sleep. And if he got sleep. I am domestic. I don't cook, but I clean, organize, do laundry, make a house pretty. I love all the baby-care related tasks - feeding him, bathing him, etc. I like walks every day and grocery shopping. I could probably get into cooking if I had more time to explore it. I certainly enjoy baking. And eating! I was surprised the stay-at-home mother role didn't seem to suit me more. I honestly think it's because I'm so tired I don't have the patience to deal with a fussy baby or yet another day of carrying him around because he refuses to be put down or spending 5 hours trying to get him to take one 30 minute nap.
It makes me sad. If I had a baby who slept, this year could have been very different. I hope I have given Dorian a good enough start in life this year. I had all these plans to take him to the park every day and go to the beach and take lots of baby activity classes but due to exhaustion on both our parts, it just hasn't happened. I really hope I didn't mess it up for him. I am so glad James is taking over parenting next week. I have never needed a break more. I know nursing school won't be a break, but I'm hoping it will feel like one in a way. And this is coming from the girl who worked 3 years straight without a vacation. This is the girl who worked 50 hours a week, while taking 3 classes, one month after going through a miscarriage during the fall of 2006. This is the girl who gets mad at herself if she doesn't accomplish something each day and doesn't have a plan for the future. I am not a lazy person. It seems odd to me that one year of stay-at-home parenting could exhaust me this much. I need a vacation. Badly.
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1 comment:
you will love going back to school and it will seem like a break--it is a break. and i would be willing to bet that it will only improve (if you can imagine improving perfection) your relationship with dori. you know, i didn't really do well with being a sahm either when marley was a baby--i was almost bored (and i did online-at-home work, baby-sat, and joon was out of town for almost the whole two years, excluding weekends) but it just didn't really satisfy me intellectually. i have no regrets about doing it at all and think that it was a great gift for he, joon, and i but it was nice to start working again. and now that i have been doing that and will keep doing it for awhile, joon and i are trying to make plans for the future so i can be home with them again as they make their way through adolescence. believe it or not, that will be here before we know it! yay for you!!!!
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