Not cut out to be a mother?

Let me preface this by saying I love my son to death. You know I do. There is no question about that. I would die for him. And I would never, ever, ever in a million years do anything to hurt him. I will do everything in my power to make sure he leads the very best life possible. He will have the best education we can afford, the best healthcare, the best everything. I love him and cuddle him and am pretty sure as mother and baby, we are "attached" correctly. I would not go back in time and not have him. I would not change anything about him. I love him more than life itself. So don't go calling social services on me or anything for what I am about to say, okay? I am just venting.

Lately, I have really been wondering if I am cut out to be a mother. I have had a much harder time with motherhood than many. I always thought I wanted several children. I always thought I would foster children someday when we had the space and money. I thought I wanted to go into pediatric nursing. I have always loved children. I adored being pregnant. I could be pregnant for the rest of my life. I truly loved it (first trimester nausea and third trimester bladder-pressing and insomnia aside) - I was so happy and healthy and excited and positively glowing. It was the best 9 months of my life. But I honestly don't know if I could do it again (for me; I could see myself being a surrogate mom). I don't know if I can do this parenting thing more than once.

Everyone keeps telling me that my next child will probably be easy. He'll probably sleep, wean easily and not have any of the "issues" Dorian has had. Maybe. But maybe not. Could I really take that chance? I have been exhausted this past year. I have never felt fatigue like this. I feel positively sick from it some days. I have lost more weight than I ever have before, apart from when I decided I was too fat at 15. I have gotten more illnesses than I have since freshman year in college when I got Mono, strep, bronchitis and a sinus infection over the course of 8 months. I had that stomach bug and now I am still sick with this damn cold. I can't seem to shake it. I have been sick for more than 6 weeks now (I count jet lag/severe sleep deprivation as an ailment - bear with me, I haven't passed the nursing exam yet so I may technically be wrong on this!) I am tired. Every bone in my body aches. My back, which has caused me minor pain for nearly a decade, is chronically sore and aching now. I never have a moment's relief from backache now. I hadn't had a migraine in years, but I had one last week-end. I am tired.

I don't have the patience to deal with the temper tantrums of a toddler. Today, I took Dorian for most of the day so James could try to catch up on some of his projects. I have spend the better portion of 3.5 hours trying to get Dorian down for a nap. I am exhausted. He is exhausted. I have tried everything. While he is doing much better sleep-wise since being weaned, we still have a long way to go, particularly with getting him to fall asleep and stay asleep on his own. I am so tired of it all. I don't enjoy my time with him when I'm trying to get him to sleep. When I think of all the hours (that probably amount to months in terms of time, seriously!) I have spent just trying to get him to FALL asleep, I get so frustrated. I should be using that time to study, clean, rejuvenate, do anything other than "waste" it trying to get him to sleep. It's not bonding time for Dori and I anymore now that we're not nursing. There's nothing fun about it for either of us. He screams and I get irritated after about 30 minutes of it. We have tried just leaving him to cry it out but he ends up throwing MAJOR tantrums and hurting himself in the process. I hate it. I have been LOVING the days where I get to go to work and not have to watch him. I get back home and see him for about 30 minutes before he goes to bed and that's been great. It's so strange because when I'm at work I miss him so much and I look forward to the days I have off with him but then when they arrive, I don't fully enjoy them and end the day frustrated and disappointed and so excited to return to work the next day. I wish I could work 7 days a week. I feel like such a bad mom for sharing all this but I really need to get it out. I've not been fully happy for awhile now (you guys know this; you know how tired I've been) but I would say I've been even more frustrated since 2009 started. I know, I KNOW, I have a good life. I know I have a promising future. I know I've got a wonderful family and support system and house and brain and looks and blah blah blah. I know all this. I know people would kill to live my life. And I do feel blessed for my life. But I just feel so unhappy being a mom sometimes. And no, it's not depression or postpartum depression or anything like that. I've been depressed before and this is certainly not it.* I have no trouble getting out of bed (except for the fact that I am tired!), I love having good hygiene and self-care, I am happy to see friends, walk, go to Gymboree, out to lunch, work, study, and do all my normal daily routines. I am happy to spend time with Dorian when he is rested and in a good mood and when it's not naptime or bedtime. Truly. He is at such a fun age in terms of development and when he cuddles me, it just melts my heart. He makes me laugh like no one else can. He is adorable. I just hate the sleep issues. I feel like they put a damper on EVERYTHING. I don't feel like myself anymore. I am so tired.

I feel so unhappy with the way motherhood has turned out to be. I had no idea it would be this hard, this tiring, this unfulfilling actually. I can't wait to start nursing school and have a real focus, a real goal, a real life. Right now I just feel like I am this close to taking out a loan and hiring a nanny for the days I am supposed to watch Dorian. It is so hard.

*Some of my unhappiness the past couple weeks is probably due to hormonal changes in my body since weaning Dorian. However, I've been unhappy with the sleep issues and sleep-deprivation for a good 16 months. 17 actually, if we include the last month of pregnancy.